https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=r7q9TSAOD2Y
Hello everybody. We’re gathered here again for another episode of Unfolding the Soul. Today my beautiful guest is Andrea with the banks. She’s part of our Discord community and she also has a fairly successful YouTube channel that she’s trying to manage correctly in relation to her life. And she’s chosen to talk about the divine famine, which is a subject that has been bubbling up around the Discord circles for a while now. And it’s been eluding us somewhat because it’s really hard to define. But since we have an expert on it, we’re going to learn what it is. So yeah, Andrea, like how would you define the divine famine? Okay, first of all, I don’t know if I’m an expert, but I am a student of, I would say. So that’s the very thing about the divine famine or the famine is that definitions in the very way that they exist are a more masculine feature. Giving something borders and boundaries, you know, the more masculine end of things, overt and seen. So I would say then on the flip side, it’s the unseen direction, because it’s not just chaotic, you know, although that could be, you know, order chaos, that could be the extremes. But I think it’s sort of the like force that is unseen, that is felt. It’s seen in a way because it’s in beauty, you know, but but why? Why is this or that beautiful? Like beauty standards have altered throughout history, but but the sort of virtue of beauty has been something in philosophy for a long time and in people’s eyes and minds for a long time. So I would say it’s difficult to put words to an actual definition of the divine beauty because it’s more intuitive. Did I say divine beauty? I mean, divine feminine. It’s it’s. Yeah, as opposed to like external, it’s more internal as opposed to direct. It’s more indirect. Does that make sense? Yeah, so I would like to add a couple words like generative, right? Or birthing, right? Facilitating, right? There’s there’s the thing that allows other things to be making a space for. Yeah. So yeah, like, how’s your your personal understanding of the feminine? Like, how does that appear to you? So. So do you like with regards to? Well, given that. Or me in my in my like life. Yeah, in your life. Like, OK, so I’d say it’s something that I haven’t understood. I’ve had a very hard time understanding exactly what it is, because. Like, I’m a very. Outgoing extroverted person, and I find that the feminine is more subtlety is a side of like feminine, and I don’t have that. So I have had trouble intuiting it. So it’s but but, you know, through my journey that we will get into, I feel like I have a grasp of it, both through explanations to start, like I needed words to start because of just the way that we have like me being raised in a Western society where words explain things and that’s how you start understanding things. But then moving on to the embodying of the feminine, and participatory knowledge in that space. So, yes, I don’t know if I answered your full question. Well, maybe give a small example, like what you associate with activity with the divine feminine. OK, so a small example is I started doing knitting last year, maybe a year and a half ago with the gals on the discord, and that’s, you know, that’s a feminine art through many, like textile, the textile arts are something that has been in the feminine sphere for a very long time. And they taught me, like they taught me how to knit, to knit a little blanket for my niece, and so that was something that, it sounds really simple, but doing this thing and chatting with the ladies and just sort of seeing, I could, it’s online, so it’s different from in person, but I could just imagine where would this go if we were in a little group and chatting, you know, and we were in a little group and chatting, you know, and living in the same space. And so it’s sort of a taste of it because it’s, virtual isn’t quite exactly the same, but it is, it is something. So, so there’s, there’s that, that’s just a small example. I have other examples, but I kind of wanted to save those for the actual, like, going through my life story. I think we got a good sense of what we’re talking about for the audience. So we can, we can go with where this concept first appeared to you in your life. Um, doesn’t have to be verbally, but yes, yes. I think it, so I suppose it started with me trying to figure out, like what, what does it mean to be, um, like a woman in the world, like a successful lady. And I, and I’m very traditional in that sense. I’m not talking about climbing the corporate ladder successful. I mean, how do you, how do you make a guy want to ask you on a date? Like that kind of, uh, you know, because like I, okay, okay, here, here, I didn’t even think of this, but it, it’s coming up for, with that, that said, um, like the representations of the feminine in media see, um, I didn’t have that at home because my father had passed away when I was only 10 months old. And so I didn’t see a couple or anything like that in the home. My mom, um, never remarried. And so it was her and my sister and me. And, um, and so what I saw in Disney movies were in Bambi, say, like a sexy bunny batting her eyes and Thumper losing it. And then, um, and then same with Little Mermaid when they’re in the go on and kiss the girl scene. She looks evil. I remember thinking she looks evil. I don’t understand. Oh no, that’s those are bedroom. And then fast forward over to Nala in can you feel the love tonight with the same eyes? So I, you know, I remember those stood out to me as things I didn’t understand, but it seemed like that’s how you control men, I guess. But I didn’t understand what it was and how it worked. And I had, again, I didn’t really embody that sort of, I didn’t know how to be that. I didn’t know even if I wanted to be that it was just something that I didn’t understand. Um, so that is where it sort of relates the feminine and the masculine as, as couples, you know, so those sorts of things were in my mind growing up. And I mean, and I, I met my husband and we got married and oh, yay, it worked somehow. Like I things figure out, got figured out, but it wasn’t until after I had my kids and then had time to think that I was, you know, yes, I’m, I’m married and I have one, like there’s one man that is my, like my, my man, but I didn’t, I still didn’t understand like what, what I had as a woman, if that makes sense. So let’s, let’s go back to, sorry, I’m going on. I didn’t, I moved from childhood to adulthood. You’re going really fast. I think you’re skipping over stuff, maybe. Okay, we’ll go, we’ll put a pin in that. Yes, we’ll put a pin in that. Happily married. Great. Jack. So there’s this element where, where you, you know, you’re missing something. Is there an emotional tone with that missing? Like. Emotional. Hmm. I knew I didn’t understand what was happening and, but I, Was it frustrating? Was it interesting? I guess, I guess so. I’m trying to, it’s confusion. It’s, it’s why, why do I not embody, I didn’t know the word embody, you know, but like, why don’t I, why don’t I have that? Why don’t I. So you feel like you’re missing out. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Now I look back at it as a gift of like, I’m so glad I didn’t date any ridiculous junior high boys, but you know, I, I, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t someone that, you know, other, wasn’t like noticed by, by like guys or whatever. And I look back and I’m like, well, well, I’m really glad I, like I said, that I wasn’t noticed. In that sense. Are you certain you weren’t noticed or? I may have not understood it as well. I may have missed it. Well, no, no one, for example, okay, I’ll give you the example. This is something that my sister explained to me. So there was this, like the end of your dance, grade nine, and I asked the guy that I liked to, I feel very junior high right now. I asked the guy that I liked, if you, if, hey, do you want to be backup? If you don’t find anybody to go with. So that was like, I didn’t realize how big of a thing that was in the sense of like, oh, what a step. Like I took that, you know, but I’m just engineer high. So I don’t, I don’t know. And my sister told me years later, I’m sorry, my sister’s the same age as me. We’re twins. We don’t look alike, but she did know the people in that space as well. And years later, she told me, oh yeah, so and so who did end up going with him was like worried when she found that out. And I was like, I had no idea I was a threat to any of those girls, you know, like in that sense, I had no idea. And that’s from the girl’s side. So I was very oblivious. So I had no, I needed something overt and clear, which is another reason why I’m not very in the feminine because I’m so, I don’t get the subtle. I don’t understand it. It’s not something that comes naturally. I need it to be articulated explicitly. The implicit is something that I have trouble with. So that’s my, my, I suppose frustration. Yeah. And I lack, I don’t understand why I’m not in that space. So is your sister different in that sense? She’s a lot more perceptive, but we were both, honestly, we were both just like good little Christian girls that I’m like, yeah, I think that’s a big part of it too, because everybody knew. So I feel like they’re like, we’re not going to get anywhere with the, with those girls. So anyway. You were really exciting. No, we were just like little church girls. There was no gold behind that dragon. Well, I mean, not, not, not that we knew of maybe, maybe in the unconscious, but anyway. So, so, so what’s that also part of your relationship with your sister? Oh, well, we were just both not terribly like that was something that came up later. Like when we were, when I was, I think either she, I think I wasn’t quite married yet. I was already, I think, no, no, I was married, but I didn’t have kids yet. So that was years later that she explained that to me. And it helped me with some closure things, but, but that wasn’t something that we really discussed a lot. So. So, so do you, when you’re talking about closure, do you feel like you got kind of traumatized by, I guess, playing a game that you didn’t understand? And then. Well, that’s sort of a whole different area of like, you know, when you think things are so bad in certain like school type situations, and it’s like, maybe it wasn’t as bad as you remember. And that was just an example. That was just one of the examples of, oh, well, actually you saw it this way, but in the end, it actually wasn’t, your perception was a little bit off. So that was just a really good example of that. And plus it just relates. That’s the example I had that relates the most to this topic is that. So, so, so the, it’s the understanding like a high value for you because of that, that, that dynamic that your perception is off because you’re. Seeing, seeing that there are things that I didn’t see that I didn’t understand. Sorry, I knew I knew I didn’t understand things, but that I missed. So. Yeah, it’s one of those, it’s sort of something like, oh, well, you’re married. Why do you, like you have, that’s, that’s a question I asked myself over the past few years. Why do I have to understand the feminine and what my pardon it is? Why do I need to understand that I married? I, I was chosen. I was pursued. Like, why do I need to worry about such things? And I just think it’s beyond finding a person, a partner, you know, it’s understanding how you were made and what, what you are, what you are to the world and, and your role. Yeah, well, that’s why we call it this divine feminine. The feminine will happen. The divine part. So yeah, like, is there some, some anecdote in high school that I’m still between there or it’s like, are we. Yeah, high school. Like, do you looking back, do you think the, the other women did have a relationship to the divine feminine or do you think there are also. I think, I think there are, yeah, I think that there are some, there was just a sort of subtlety to the way that some of my friends are more acquaintances, you know, they, that they had that held and maybe, maybe, I mean, they were all in high school. We don’t really know, but I didn’t know how to be. Whatever that thing is, you know, like coy or like make eyes or whatever, like, Hey, I’m letting you know something without using words. I didn’t know how to do that. So I would just go up and try to chat with people that I was interested in and they didn’t get it. So I was like, Oh, shoot, that’s just very like, like overt and nothing ever would happen. So, so what, what do you chat about when you walk up to someone? Well, it was just, I kind of just became friends with people and by people, I mean, I mean, guys that I was like, Oh, maybe I like you, but it was nothing really came of it because I was, we were just ended up becoming friends, which is fine. And again, these are my memories. So who knows? Who knows what really, really it was, but it’s, it’s more than I, I wanted to be. I think because of the lack of a father in my life, I just wanted that masculine person to be in my life. And again, I look back and I am, I am glad I didn’t end up having like a lot of like dates or anything like that, or not dates, dates are fine, but boyfriends or anything like that. I, I had some, Oh yeah, I also, Oh, I forgot. This is quite important. I actually didn’t, I have a, I can’t believe I forgot this really important facet. There was a movement in evangelical Christianity for color, for purity culture, where it’s, there was a book called I kissed dating goodbye. It’s where you don’t date, you court for marriage. And I, and so I know I’m all like, Oh, I don’t know why I didn’t get a lot of dates, but yet I literally was like, I don’t date, I court for marriage. So why would I date in high school when I’m not actually, when I’m not actually interested in dating at all. And I want to wait till I’m old enough to even consider marriage. So that I think is a big part of it. Cause if anybody knew me, that was like, I wasn’t shy at saying that. So that’s again, look at my memories. I forgot about that. And then I’m like, yeah, I didn’t really date much. But then I’m like, right, right. Like there was a guy who said, Oh, I would, I was interested in, but I was also like, Oh, I don’t date. What do I do? And he was like, well, I would ask you out, but I, I know you don’t date. And I was like, Oh, thanks for respecting that. That was that. So do you see it? See, look at, look at my memories. They’re just all, they’re all a mess of why things happened. And I, that was probably a lot to do with what happened in high school. But you feel like you, you did have, have the overview at that time, or do you feel like your, your memory to also just jumbled back then? Well, I think I had that view at that time. I think I really broadcast that. And I forgot just until I remembered in this conversation. So that has a lot to do with it. Oh no. My, hello? My computer went on, my computer screen just went blank. I went on my screen saver. Sorry. So anyways, yeah. So that’s, so, so I don’t know if this is coherent. I, I didn’t really think about my junior high and high school experience that we’d be going over. And I was just like, childhood. And then now, I mean, I suppose those things are important. I just sort of like, oh, me in those ages, embarrassing. But oh well. So, well, it’s interesting because in some sense that, that I don’t date, it’s like a shield. So do you feel like you embrace that shield as, as a way to not have to deal with things? I think that’s a, that’s an interesting idea. And I would say maybe and probably. It is true. I also knew that I felt things very deeply. So I would, and again, maybe that wouldn’t be as bad as I, I thought. But I know that I, I am someone who, if you know, I started dating someone and they broke up with me, I would just be absolutely devastated. And I just didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be devastated. I wanted to be with someone who was like, I love you, let’s get married. Even though you got a lot to go through to get there. But I just didn’t want to be heartbroken. So I suppose it was a shield in a way with a little bit of moralizing. I mean, I have to say it somehow worked-ish because I, I said this to my now husband, like to, when he, when we went on our first date, I said before I was emotionally invested, well, I date for marriage. So, cause I kind of just didn’t want to even bother. And he was like, okay. And then we never broke up and we’re married 12 years. So I would never suggest this to my children, but somehow the Lord was kind enough to bless me. So yeah, so the tension that I’m feeling is that there’s a, there’s in some sense the leap, right? Of getting out there. And then there’s the shield. And you have to find a way to cross that barrier. Like you said, something that you feel like you struggle with. Like, how did that differ with your husband? Like, how did he- He just, he was, he’s two years younger. So when I, I met him at my Turks Young Adults and like, he had just not really had any experience with any like dating. He just was happy to do his little BMX biking down at the like skate park. You know, like he’s just in his own little like junior high, high school, young adult like world of, oh, I get to go hang out with my friends and do skate work with my bike. And it’s fun. And then I go to my little job and, you know, whatever. Like he, he said that he just thought he would never get married and he was fine with it. And then he actually had to work to ask me out. He asked me out three times because I didn’t know he was asking me out again with the obliviousness. I thought he was just asking for like a hangout with the rest of the Young Adults group. And the third time his friend suggested, maybe you should be more direct. So that helped. So, so he, he, I was really his first real girlfriend. And I had one boyfriend before him. It was kind of more or less a little like just very short long distance thing. And it was like five months, five or six months. But, and yeah, and so he was my, I think, second like second boyfriend. So that, and it worked out, thankfully. So, so are there divine feminine aspects that supported you in that time? Like is there some force that you, you had on your side? Well, I sort of just stopped thinking about it. I, you know, you get the happily ever after that happens in films, and then it goes to black, the end. But then you have your life. You know, you have your, we were married two years and had our our first son, like we had our second year anniversary. And then like a month later, we had our, so we were married just the two full years and I was pregnant during some of it. And then we had our first son. So I think that I just sort of, oh, I did it. I made, I got the, what I’ve always hoped and dreamed to be married and having children. And that is, it’s very, I have a degree. Like I didn’t go to university, but I didn’t have any ambition for a career. I just went because I enjoyed learning about, I have a degree in Christian studies and study like theology and Christian history. So I just enjoyed those things and I was happy to have that knowledge. And then I wanted to be a wife and mom. And so I got that. And then when your kids get a little older, that was around when COVID hit. And then you have time to think. And I was like, oh, okay. Maybe I missed something in understanding myself, I guess. You know, it all happened around the Jordan Peterson time. And he’s talking a lot about the masculine archetypes and stuff. And so sometimes the feminine comes in there too. So I started really wondering, it’s one of the things I started exploring on my YouTube channel. That’s the sort of talking and the words part of all this that I started articulating and asking people who I thought knew about it. So I don’t know if I fast forwarded too much, sorry. Well, so yeah, you say you’ve got the happily ever after. Like, what does that mean? Is that like you’re living in some bliss in the moment? Well, you have these goals. So my mom got married when she was 36 and had my sister and me at 38. And she always suggested that if you can help it, it’s better to get married younger and have kids younger, because you have more energy. And so I also lost my mom when I was 24. So I got married at 23. And then less than a year later, she passed away. So she’s gone. And so I have, sorry, that was just a more of an aside information wise. But so I had the goal of wanting to be married in my early 20s and then start having kids in my mid 20s. And I did that. But when you achieve those goals, you still have life ahead of you. You know, so you get to thinking, at least I do about like just in introspection wise, and understanding who you are in relation to the world. Because I knew that there was a thing with moms where, oh, I’m more than just a mom, and all that. And I wasn’t thinking I’m more than just a mom. I was more thinking, oh, what does it mean to be a woman in the world? So is that maybe because you achieved the goal of being a mom, that now the world is more a thing that you can orient towards, because there’s a closure in the family life already? Maybe. I suppose you can’t help but embody motherhood, because you have a baby that needs you, you have to. And so that was something that I didn’t need to find, because I like it found me, like I had to. So then understanding that that’s sort of a hat that you everyone has different roles and hats that you wear in life. So I think that I was, I was like, I don’t know certain aspects of me. I don’t know. So when I knew the new, when I knew the aspect of motherhood, and again, not to say that I know all of it. I mean, it’s a process for sure. But it’s something that’s quite thrust upon you when you have a newborn baby that needs you. And I think that I got married so young, I was 23. So I didn’t explore these themes of what does it mean to be a woman in the world, because I didn’t think I, I didn’t even know that I had it. I just, you know, oh, I thought I thought was he found me and I found him. You know, that’s happily ever after. I’m just trying to get the context. So, so yeah, so you’re, you’re, you’re realizing that there’s this other thing that you can be. And what is the thing in Peterson that drew you in? Like, why, why didn’t you work someone else? I think I really love mythologies, like I really appreciate origin stories. And so his lectures, his lectures that brought in myth, like, to me, he seemed more like a mythologist than a psychologist, at least the ones that I was drawn to. And, and then I also watched all of his biblical lectures. And that also led me over to Peugeot. And then Peugeot did speak a little bit about the feminine at times. So I was also watching Benjamin Boyce’s channel, and he has a lot of sort of mythic type short stories that he’s been working on about the masculine and the feminine. So I was, I guess you could say enchanted by those. And it just made me want to know more and understand more. So you use the word enchantment. Do you think that word is connected to the feminine? Oh, very much, because it’s mysterious. And it’s not overt, like it’s an implicit thing that is hard to hold. And but it’s there, you know, it’s there, it’s not, it’s very alive. But you, you can’t, like Peugeot has said this, once you start explaining the thing, you’ve already brought in the masculine. So that’s why it’s something that needs to be participated in, which is like later in my story about getting into, say, vintage fashion and such, but that’s a little bit later. But I started off with the explicit because that’s how I knew to learn. I started off by finding people from Twitter or from other YouTube channels who would be willing to speak with me on what they knew about the feminine. So how do you get from this explicit to the mystery? Like, what’s the step that you take to get that? Or two? I think it was. So this is where I decided to. So I’ve been really interested in like vintage clothes for like a long time. I just didn’t think you could just wear them, like vintage fashion. You know, he’s like, oh, these are costumes for films. You know, like I, if I found a dress that was looked like a vintage or retro style, you know, like I, if I found a dress that was looked like a vintage or retro style, I would, I bought that and I would then do my hair in the same way that the whatever the dress, like say 1940s looking dress, you know, and, you know, and that was in high school and early university. And, you know, people would say, oh, you look like the girl from Pearl Harbor. You know, I was like, oh, that’s nice. And so that was then when I was younger and it was just little snippets in my life where I did that. There was a movie called Hairspray that came out that was based on a Broadway show that took place in the 60s. And I had a welcome to the 60s birthday party when I turned 21 or 22. And so I was like, everyone has to dress up, but you have to dress up in an old, in like a 60s costume, you know? So that was, that’s, these were little examples of things that I did through the years, but it wasn’t until, and I am answering your question, I promise. I’d say during COVID, I felt a sort of odd freedom in being shut in because I would, sometimes I would do my hair in like, like foam rollers over the years. And people, every time I went out, oh, why is your hair curly? Oh, what’s the occasion? Oh, what’s, you know, and I felt like kind of silly being like, oh, no reason. I just, I just put curlers in and it’s curly. You know, I felt I wasn’t confident enough to just be like, oh, just because, you know? And so when I was in, when I was locked in and COVID, I was like, I can do my hair and not worry about questions. I can just do it, you know? So I didn’t think I’m going to answer my wonderings about the feminine by putting my hair in ringlets. Like I wasn’t thinking this, but I just started doing this. Something else, and then I think I started looking for clothes that would like match and like hats and things like that. And I took some pictures and I put it on Twitter and I had some gals, there’s some gals who would be in my little group and were very like positive about it. And they, one of them was like, oh, you should do a vintage Instagram or something like that. Like, and I was, I was unsure because I didn’t want to be too I didn’t, I just didn’t want to be too looks focused. I didn’t want to be obsessed in that way, but I found it to be real. But then I was like, maybe I could, maybe I’ll just see. And if it’s a problem, I’ll stop. And when I started doing that, at first I started going to thrift stores and stuff and buying things that I, this would look really good in this scene if I did a scene like this, but eventually I stopped worrying about what I would set up as a scene for pictures. And I just was in a space of, I want to wear this like daily. I just want to, I want to just this to be a regular thing in my life where I wear these vintage clothes or vintage looking. You can, you can buy vintage modern, but it looks vintage. It’s called retro. You can find those sorts of styles in thrift stores or on Etsy. And so I did a mix of both. And so it’s sort of slowly become less about doing, I still do pictures on my vintage Instagram, but it’s less about the performative part of it. And it’s more about the, the incorporating it into my everyday life. And, and that I’m doing that without realizing it. I mean, I’m, I’m wondering these things about the feminine, I’m interviewing people. I want to do things that, that bring out that side of me. You know, one of the reasons why I bought certain outfits was because I was having a tea party with some of my friends. I did like a high tea. And so I had all this China that my mom had that I inherited from my mom and I hadn’t really ever used it. So, you know, I, I baked all these little morsels and, and invited my friends over and they had to dress up too. It was just two, it was just two of my friends. So it was very small, but I, you know, I had things that they borrowed as well if they didn’t have anything, but you know, they, they did it, they participated with it. And, and so that was sort of one of the early things that I did. And I was like, I love this. I want to do this more. And then I, it just continued to snowball. So at the same, and then at the same time, I was also part of the knitting group on the discord and I stopped finding people to talk about the feminine with. And I just really leaned in to this vintage fashion because it, it was something that I, so not just vintage fashion, sorry. I also like vintage, like the lips, like, you know, the little, whatever this is, like little scarf, you know, like the curly hair, I really just leaned into that. And because I loved it. I like, and it’s, it showed me this part of the feminine that I didn’t really understand. And I think it’s healthy. I think it’s a healthy way to be exploring the divine feminine. I had monologue there for a good while. So, sorry. So yeah, you kind of skip between that, that they’re parallel tracks, but there’s also some interaction between your propositional understanding and then this enacted thing that, that just becomes more solid over time. So, so yeah, like, could you describe what was driving you? Like, like was it a need? Was it excitement? Was it like trying to find a place with your friends? Like, oh, this is the way that I can. It’s okay. So, so this feels very vulnerable. So I will, I will answer it, but it’s the kind of thing that if I was making a video talking about this, I probably wouldn’t go there, which is fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I am, I am comfortable saying this to you, but it does feel very like, oh, I think that’s the truth. And shoot, oh, well, I’ll say it out loud. So I think I, I wanted to, I wanted to find something, like, I felt like a drive that I wanted to be like attractive, but I have a husband that I can be attractive for, which is fine. So why did I want to be attractive in general? Do you, there was something that was in me that, that reminded me of high school, me, you know, now that my kids are a little bit older and I’m thinking, and I’m feeling like I want to, to, to be this. And I, and I didn’t know why. And so that’s partially what’s driving, because I’m like, why do I want to be, I’m not, not necessarily attractive. You could say like, beautiful. I want to embody some like beauty. And I, why do I want that? Is that wrong? I, I’m a married woman. Why would I want that? And so I think it’s, it’s finding, that’s why, why I feel like with regards to vintage clothing and, and the, the vintage, I guess you could say vibes. I know it’s so millennial of me, the vintage vibes, finding that anybody, and it doesn’t actually matter how old or young you are. Anyone can wear these beautiful feminine clothes and embody that. And it, it, it’s just, it exists there. You know, there’s certain cuts to the fabric. There’s certain ways that these like well put together garments. It’s, it’s flattering on a figure. You know, it doesn’t have, it could be a 50 or 60 year old woman that, that it hangs well on, or it could be a 20, 30 or 40, you know, it could be any. It, but, but it’s, it’s feminine. Do you know, I, I do plan on continuing to, to dress in such a way. And it isn’t, oh, I can’t wear that. I’m too, I’m too old for that. No, I’m wanting to find the timeless classic pieces that embody the feminine. And like, that’s why I like, liken it to like, it’s an appropriate way to be searching. And I don’t think it was necessarily wrong of me to be having that longing in me. Part of me also thinks it has to do with not having a father and having a, like that masculine encouragement, like, oh, you’re beautiful, honey. You know, like you, you’re lovely and I delight in you. I think that’s huge to miss out on. So I think that’s probably left over from that or a lack of that, I should say. So my question would be, what does it provide to you? Like, like, do you get confidence from dressing up like this? Like, does the fact that you’re dressed up like this have men relate to you differently that provides a sense of safety or security? I think it makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel like it, I do. It’s the kind of thing where I understand that I’m not one of the crowd, but I don’t feel embarrassed that like, I’m not wearing inappropriate clothing for my age, but I am wearing something that is not really done anymore, although I would be happy for other women and girls to dress the way I do. I would love to be one of the crowd, I think. I think, you know, so it’s not because I’m like, look at me, look at me. I think that these clothes like there’s a very androgynous look to many clothes nowadays. And I just, you know, I really like a button down shirt. Again, I’m sorry, I’m getting into the weeds here. A button down blouse from the 50s or 60s, or even actually the 80s. But that’s really when things start changing, it was closer to the like the 70s and 80s. But it’s the cut is, it’s a feminine cut, whereas a button down blouse now is a box. Maybe there’s some darts, but it’s just not, yeah, it’s just not, it’s not feminine. And so the clothes helped me to feel like I do on the inside, actually. Like I, and this is actually, like what Sherry was saying in her chat with you about how she felt like she lived in a fairy tale. Like this is how I feel. I feel like someone from the 1940s. Or like I feel like the clothes that I wear and I don’t, I mean, you know, I’m a modern 40s woman, you could say. I’m not like, I don’t have the prejudices of those days. But I, I just, it makes me feel like I’m connecting with that divine feminine. It gives me like a sort of direct inroad to embody. And that’s why I’m saying I’m look, I’m holding my hands up, but I’m bringing it down and I do feel grounded. Like it brings me to a space that I feel confident in because it feels right. So, so in a sense, it’s like the physical manifestation allows you to make the connection to the ideal for you. Yeah, that’s a very good way of putting it. Yeah. And does that then also come back to being able to act in new ways that were previously unavailable to you? You know, I think so. I have been, I have, it’s sort of difficult to articulate because I think, you know, much of it is in behavior, but I think maybe the way I relate to my husband, the way I relate to my kids, like I haven’t taken away my personality, my personality is very much here. I’m still outgoing. I’m still very extroverted, but I think it helped to lay foundations for like a base for me to look at things in my life that I, like I want to, the kind of mother I want to be is the calm, like loving like space that can be firm if need be. And, you know, that’s another topic, but I’ve been sort of looking through attachment styles and my own attachment style and seeing where my behavior has been affected in the type of parenting I do. And the sort of parents that I have always wanted to be, which is that, yeah, that strong, feminine, because by strong, I don’t mean like the male strong, it’s a sort of foundational, I guess, strong, you know, galadriel strong, not rings of power galadriel, but like Cate Blanchett galadriel, Tolkien’s galadriel, like that sort of style where it’s like, where she’s strong in the most, the version of that feminine, or you don’t want to mess with that, but she’s good, you know, and so that has been something that I’ve been trying to relate with, with my boys, particularly with having patience for them and being that, embodying, like I know how they see me is how they will be in the world of like, this is what the feminine is. So it’s a tall order trying to embody, I only have boys, it’s just me, I’m the only feminine in the house. So do you associate that time frame, like the 50s, 60s, 70s with that type of motoring? I never thought of it that way. So my grandmother married my grand grandpa, like my grandma and my grandpa got married in 1946, and they had my mother 1947. And so, and then my mom graduated from high school in 1965. So I suppose I have quite a bit of exposure to the 40s, and the 60s, and then the 50s in between there. So I kind of feel that like, that might be why I’m drawn to those particular decades, because that’s what I was sort of raised in. Like I’m quite young for someone having parents and grandparents, like my mom, like I said, was older when she had my sister in me. So I’m a bit of a generation removed. Like if my mom had me, when my, the same age that my grandma had her, my grandma was 19, like I would be in my 50s. So I do feel like I have that pull to the past, because it’s sort of where my mom and my grandparents are. So yes, but I think the 80s, in the 80s, there’s, like the 70s and 80s are when casual wear started really coming up. And I’m not against casual wear. I just like, I just really like feminine cuts of fabric, like I said, like feminine designs. And that’s, that you can really find that in different versions of it. In, well, that’s why one of the reasons why I prefer 1940s dresses to 1950s dresses, actually, because 1950s dresses, you have to wear a crinoline under and you look ridiculous. Like I have to wear, like, you know, it’s the poofy, like the poofy dresses. And so, so I mean, I don’t, I’m not, I’m not wanting to be like, Hey, look at me, like to that degree, because you really are, if you’re wearing a crinoline and like going to church, you know, so I, I’m very like choosy for my pieces because I want to not be, I don’t want to be, I do stick out, but definitely not as much as I could. If I was like, who cares? I’m just going to be the most, the most extreme of whichever fashion era I’m embodying. You know, I’m trying to, I’m trying to like tastefully not blend in, but like not be too terribly sticking out. So I, I came up with this theory. You stop me when I’m wrong, but I have this idea that you were kind of stuck looking at yourself in a certain way. And then the dressing up allowed you to change the way that you see yourself. And that allowed you to go into the world and change the way that you are. I didn’t think of it that way, but that does sound the way that I understand myself. Like you could say the way that I see myself, but to, to add, I would say it would help. It helped me to understand myself. So what’s the distinction between seeing and understanding for you? Is this going back to, oh, I’m a modern person and I need to use the propositions to relate to myself? I suppose, yeah. One is sort of like just, just the surface. And then understanding is bringing it down to the participatory embodiment, embodying that’s existing within. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, like, so you’re in COVID, you’re exploring all the internet stuff, you’re having your own channel, which you’re using kind of to work things out. Where does that lead? Well, where does that lead with regards to like the divine feminine and my understanding of it or? Is that something that actually brought what you thought it would bring or? Yeah. So that was the catalyst because talking about it helped led me to embodying it. I think also my channel in general, the more I found out about the feminine and the space that it can be, to like say give birth to new ideas, for example, to be like Socrates, the midwife to see new ideas and new concepts. That’s a very feminine role. And I think that my channel, again, like you were saying, it’s not like I needed to know this in order to have questions. I’ve always been very curious. But I suppose in again, sitting in the knowledge of, oh, I know what this is, even though I did it before, I just know what this is. My channel, I understand very much that the way that I do things is asking questions for people to like fill. And the questions I ask are very, this is what I’m trying to work out with myself. So that’s sort of where I was at. But I’m actually moving to a space where I’m trying to, I’m wanting to do things where I say what I think, because in the past, it’s always been, oh, let’s find out. And so this is, I suppose, moving to into a little bit more of a masculine space. But it’s okay. Well, I would go to the feminist strength that you were talking about, right? Okay. So I want to be looking for the feminine representation in media, particularly in like, say, film and examples of where I think, because I think it’s gone haywire. It’s, we’ve lost very much what the true feminine is in. And film, it sounds like, oh, why film? But that’s our myths. Paul Van der Kley has talked about this a little bit. I feel like film has become our story modes of story. And so I would like to start going into more of what I think and making sort of reviews on pieces of the feminine that I am like, this is impressive. This is how we can learn about it from watching this. And this is actually a strength we can see that the feminine has that, you know, for example, I want what I would like to be making, I would like to do a video about the last series, the last season of Stranger Things regarding the one of the main female protagonists named Max. She was kind of the worst in other seasons, but she was really highlighted. And she, the way that she, her storyline plays out is a very like impressive way that I’m like, oh, look, it’s the feminine hero. She actually embodies it. Yay. So I’d like to make a little like review, just clips looking at that. And I have to, I haven’t, I’d like to write out a script. I’d like to be a little more intentional with that. Now that my kids are going into full time school, it’s something that I’d like to do a little bit more seriously. So that’s, that’s a, I suppose, where I’m seeing the channel go is to, yeah, I guess impart wisdom. I don’t like saying I have wisdom, but I think I am starting to understand the feminine enough that I can start seeing things about it. So yeah, so that’s definitely a transition from, from seeking to constelating something. So yeah, so that’s, what’s the other stuff? Well, you’re now also like explicitly wearing dressing up and cultivating an appearance. Is that also going into a way of being right? Like, like is, are you, are you using any old stuff in your house or are you using modern equipment? I, I do have a few like antique pieces, particularly in my room. I have an old dresser that I keep my, some of my vintage items in. It’s, it’s like, it’s wooden, it’s very heavy. I see why they switched to a particle board, but you know, you know, it’s hard to open the drawers because it’s like, oh, I get why they updated these things. You know, you get an appreciation for like, okay, I see why modern stuff is nice. But, you know, I, so mostly how, oh, that’s another thing I forgot to say. Yeah, so during, yeah, during COVID, I, I would get these bursts of, I need to clean out this certain space so that I can then put in a nice item or a nice piece of furniture. So yeah, so in my room, I had all like, just a whole bunch of old things from, you know, like just a random hidey hole kind of thing that you was like, oh, all my random stuff goes into this corner that I’ll deal with later. So I just, oh, I need to clean that out. So because I wanted to get a hat rack to display all of my old hats so that they would be like a decoration alongside of functional to wear. And so, you know, I cleaned that up. And then I had space to put this little dresser. And you know, I have old jewelry boxes to keep my jewelry. So like, so my room, I suppose, is probably the most. And my husband is very happy for me to do all these things, because he’s like, yay, cleaning up, cleaning up our house out of getting clutter away. Yay, you know, I bought an old timey looking telephone that’s like a decoration for my front entryway cabinet. So I suppose my decor has become really, I sort of decorate in like old timey like antiques. I, oh, I do have plants now. So that’s another cultivator of literal cultivation of the feminine, I think gardening and I’m not, I’ve been trying to water my front lawn because it’s a disaster. And it’s been very hot this past summer. I tried planting seeds. There are some little sprouts of grass, but particularly my indoor plants, my little, I like the little ones, like really little ones, like succulents, like the little and cactuses, because they’re very easy to take care. So I have a little area where I have a tray of plants, of little plants. And so I’ve been keeping those alive for the past two or three years. So, and I never could keep plants alive before, like ever. I don’t know why I would forget about it and then they would die. So I am seeing that as life. It’s bringing life into the home in a different way. And I talked to my kids about the plants and how when you talk to them, they like it because they like your, they like your words as in like, they like your breath because it’s CO2. But so it’s something, it’s just another part of, a little part of, I think, bringing the divine feminine into my home. Okay. Do you think we’re around at the present though? Oh yes. Yeah. We’re up to date. Yeah. I would say, yeah. Let’s start pointing our arrows at the future. So yeah, the divine feminine conceived in the future is probably the most horrible question you could ask anyone in some sense, right? It’s like, how are you going to know? But yeah, let’s start with setting a couple of directions in which you want to develop. Maybe that will get us some clarity. Oh, I think I mentioned like about my YouTube channel, that’s about the direction I’m going there. I’m still going to do interviews, but I would like to start doing some more smaller individual videos saying about what I think, particularly focusing on the feminine in film and television. It doesn’t have to be only. I’m curious to look into masculine roles as well, because those are on haywire. I’m just focusing on- Are you going to go for the positive or the negative? I think I would prefer the positive because it’s so easy to be a critic and be like, this is why this is horrible. But I think pointing out, oh, this is what to look for. This is why this is good. And this is why this is a higher plane. That’s a little bit harder, maybe. Maybe that’s not fair to say, but I have a very positive vibe about me. I would prefer- I would argue that the feminine is dealing with the positive while the masculine is staving away the negative. Okay. Okay. Well, there you go. Well, then I’m going to embody the feminine there. So that is something that I want to- No, I said it out loud, so now I’ve got to actually start doing it. And I suppose- What else? Am I going to continue dressing in vintage clothes? Yeah. You seem to be on a trajectory where you’re expanding the vintage element in your life. Like, so maybe you want to get your house transformed. Maybe you want to have your kids involved, but you’re already dressed up for kids a couple of times, right? Well, I feel like I’ve sort of spilled over a little bit to my husband because he’s tired of just feeling like a slob going to church with me because I always dress up. And he’s like, in his t-shirt and shorts, he’s like, okay, I can’t just go in with you like this, you know, like that. I’m also trying to not- I’m bringing a- When you get a hobby, I kind of call this a hobby. You sort of start really wide. Yeah. You start with a wide net and then you sort of refine it. And so that’s what I’ve been doing is refining particular things I’m looking for. And so I’m trying to actually slow down the purchasing of the vintage clothes because I feel like I have enough that I found. And I’m very particular about what I want because I have a lot of really lovely items, but I do want things that are a little bit more casual. And that’s hard to find because that’s what people would wear and would get really worn out and is not around. So it’s difficult to find older casual wear. So I go to thrift stores and can find, like I said, some- Fashion is a cycle. You always get things coming back. So there’s a style of pants called cigarette pants and they zip up on the side. They have a side zipper. So if I could, I have a pair that I have from just like a random, like from old Navy or whatever, so from the Gap or, you know, and it zips up on the side and they didn’t know that that’s a vintage style. They just randomly made it. And so, you know, so I have a pair of pants like that that I’m like, yeah, it’s modern, but it fits the bill, you know? So I’m just sort of on the lookout for filling in the gaps of my wardrobe. So that’s, I suppose, my future for this coming year is I don’t want to be just buying too much because I’m very specific about it. And I also was thinking of opening up an Etsy store. So that’s because I have a bunch of items that I’ve just bought that I’m like vintage and then I didn’t kind of wear them. Back when I was a little more vintage happy, when I would find stuff at the thrift store, oh, it’s vintage. I can tell, but it’s like, oh, it’s not my color or my size. So I’ve been thinking of maybe doing something with those. I just have to decide what to do. So yeah. Okay. So let’s go like five or 10 years into the future. All right. And you’re successful with your channels. You have a million subscribers. What are you doing for the million subscribers? Well, part of me, you know, I would hope that I, I mean, you say a million, I. Okay. Two million. Fine. Okay. So I, what, what I’ve been doing and what I would hope to continue is I have had, and it’s not necessarily always with vintage clothes, but sometimes it is, but I’ve had a few over on the discord. I’ve had a few gals message me about whatever things. And some of them, mostly it’s, it’s ladies around my age with kids and the same space that I’m, I’m in and that we’re in on bridges, you know, and, and having questions or just wanting to connect. So I would hope that that would not to, not to say I don’t want like men as well to connect with what I’m saying. I think that both genders need to see proper masculine, proper feminine, but I would really hope to connect, continue to connect with women in a similar space or maybe where I even was two years ago, who would like, who I could help or women who are up beyond me in my journey and who are just like, Hey, I was there. And so it doesn’t have to be me necessarily being more forward in the journey, but just, I suppose connecting with people, but particularly with women, in this space who are seeking to understand the feminine or just to understand whatever thing, whatever topic that catches their interest on my latest channel interview or whatnot. So, So what form would that take? Would it be either messages on like discord or even in live stream if I’m doing it in a, in a, in a, or even in live stream if I’m doing a live stream video, people connecting with me there in a similar space? Ask Andrea. Oh, well, how to, I don’t know about that. Well, well, you know, I, the idea of live stream, me interacting with an audience that, and I haven’t done it enough. I’ve only done a couple live streams. I, I, people have said that they would be interested in me doing that more. So I suppose that’s something that is a goal for me to continue doing a little bit more is doing more live streams, but, but connecting with them, with women one-on-one on, on the discord has been very fulfilling. So you feel that the men aren’t good. It’s just, it just, you know, it’s, it’s good to divine feminine with one another. Sorry. Go ahead. So, so you feel like the one-on-one aspect is really important there or? It has been, it’s something that I didn’t know would happen, but I, I really enjoyed that aspect. Of course, that’s to an extent I can’t do, if I have, if I did have a million, I, I couldn’t do one-on-one. I see where Paul Van der Kley is at in his conversations and he’s at, I think, is he at 25 or 30,000? So I even see how it gets limit. So I’m not even hoping to get that much bigger because I don’t know that I could do the one-on-one. Cause they’re just volume, you know, it just gets to a point where you just can’t, but I have enjoyed connecting with, with new people, I should say, in this space. So part of what I’m trying to do with this conversation, for example, is I’m, I’m trying to put something out there, right? Like I’m trying to shine a light on the divine feminine within you and with the hopes that that will appeal to people. I’m fairly confident that it will. So I’m, I’m not so worried about how many people watch me, right? Like what I’m, because, because I think there’s something of value for almost everyone. So what I’m trying to do with my format is, is to, to, to get to this place, right? This, this way of relating where, relating where this universal answer or, or at least way of looking can be received by everybody. But, but, but you, you seem to say, no, there’s this aspect where I have to attune to each individual. Oh, hmm. Well, I, it doesn’t have to be that. It’s just the part that I most enjoy as a result. An unforeseen, a completely unforeseen byproduct of my channel that I did not expect to happen was connecting with individuals, particularly like women, like housewives, state home moms, like me, who are in, who I can really easily relate to. It doesn’t have to be that. I mean, I have an email that people have written in that I’m very bad at replying back to them, but sometimes I do. I need to get on that more. Sorry if you’ve written me and I haven’t written you back, but, but that’s a way as well that I do enjoy interacting with people. And that’s why I bring up the live stream because anyone can jump on the live stream. So it’s not that it has to be one on one. It’s just, I do enjoy that aspect of it. So you, am I getting from you that, that finding that enjoyment and that connection is more important for you than reaching people as such? Like you want to build something? Well, I would say it’s a both and it’s both and it’s, it’s both those things. It’s not one or the other. I would say it’s both those things because an audience is made up of individuals. So getting to connect with my demographic, that’s something that I find to be a privilege to do, to connect with people in a similar place as me. So if you think of like what Peugeot said to Peterson, right? Like your fans are not a community, right? So, so you can either have a community with people or you can have fans, but you can’t really have both because you have limited attention. Okay. So that’s why I don’t start my own discord actually, because I do feel like if people are on the discord and then connect with me there, I don’t feel quite as, look at me, I’m the top of the hierarchy for Andrew with the bangs community, you know? So I, I kind of look at the discord as separate, the community I’m part of, and then I do my YouTube channel alongside of it. And sometimes it’s like a Venn diagram. Sometimes it, you know, overlaps. Oh yeah. And maybe we should go to a different place a little bit. What would you like the divine feminine to do in society for the next five years? Oh, that’s quite a question. Okay. Oh, I would really love for like something that is like a nurturing spirit of, of, you know, how, how often mother nurtures a newborn, it’s completely helpless and it completely depend on, on this, the love of this mother, you know, the, the agape that John Vervecky talks about, I would love for a nurturing spirit to come back into fashion. It is very much out of fashion and it sounds a little bit ridiculous to say it that way, but I feel like there’s a spirit of chaos that is reigning currently in the, in the feminine sphere, a chaotic wanting to be masculine and making women have gigantic biceps and be warriors in the most literal way, getting a little bit ranty here, but that’s, that’s chaos. That’s, that’s the chaotic feminine. And I would love to see, and I suppose I could say and pray that the, the embodiment of like a loving, nurturing, making a way, making the way for our future feminine would supplant that. And it, and that’s the thing about the, that spirit is it’s, it’s sure in itself, it’s not insecure. It doesn’t have anything to prove. It just is. And that’s, that’s what my hope and prayer for the next five to 10 years of the divine feminine would be that that nurturing, loving spirit would supplant that, which is the chaotic feminine. Well, I think that’s a good note to end it on. Do you feel like you still have something that you want to share? No, no, I, I feel like I really rambled and I’m, I’m sorry. No, that’s fine. That’s part of it. I rambled too much about the, the cuts of certain fabric. But, you know, you got to know me people. Yeah, that, that definitely happened. So I’ll be linking YouTube channel and maybe some vintage social Instagram stuff. Okay. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah. I would like invite everybody to respond in the comments, what they got out of this conversation, right? Like how do they see the divine feminine in the new light? Like is there, is there something that has been through the divine feminine contributed to your life? To this, to this, to this, to this, to this, to this, to this, to this, to this, to this, medium. Yeah. So what, what’s your lesson? Andrea? Like what did you get out of this conversation? Oh, that there is some, the, like the annoying parts of my story that I’m like, oh, junior high, high school, Andrea, do we have to go down those roads? That they’re very much still part of my story, even if I like prefer to, oh, when did I start dressing in vintage? Let’s just start from there. No, no, no. You can’t skip over. So that was my lesson. Yeah. So there might be some gold there that you can dig up. Yeah. So yeah, like it was a pleasure talking to you, Andrea. And I hope to see everybody here again on the next episode of Becoming Your Soul. Bye. Thank you so much. Yay.