https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=mlPmWjEFafo
Hello Dr. Peterson, why do people say if you’re really sorry you wouldn’t have done it or said it in the first place? That phrase has always hurt me. The whole point of being sorry is that you recognize your mistakes and you repent of them. How can you be sorry for something you didn’t even say or do? Yeah well that’s that’s a good question you know I mean what you’re basically wondering about is why people might be skeptical of apology. You know you can understand now maybe they shouldn’t say if you’re really sorry you wouldn’t have done it or said it in the first place. Well there’s a certain amount of truth in that isn’t there? Because obviously something motivated you to say what you said. Now maybe you were angry or hungover or overtired or hungry and you know a momentary motivational state of rage or neurotic resentment possessed you and you said something that you knew to be untrue and mean momentarily and you even knew that when it came out of your mouth. I mean that happens but that little angry devil inside you still believed it enough to dare utter it you know so so there’s some truth in it. The problem is and and it’s also an expression of the person’s doubt and confusion about how to determine when a apology is really genuine right because people can apologize shallowly just to escape from the trouble of the situation. So I think a deeper question related to your question is what are the necessary steps that you must undertake if you were going to utter an apology that is going to be taken seriously and I would say you have to give the devil is due you know you have to ask yourself what it was that motivated you to act inappropriately or to speak inappropriately. You have to admit that to yourself. That’s hard you know because it might be reflective of a fairly major flaw in your character. Then you have to tell the other person really what you did wrong and why. And you have to do that in a way that indicates to them that you’ve grappled with the problem and that you now understand it. And then you have to offer to them a plan for how you’re going to change your conduct in the future that’s detailed and specific. And then you have to ask them if they’re willing under those conditions to set the scorecard to zero and let you try again. Now obviously that’s necessary because if we can’t forgive each other we’re all ruined because every single one of us makes stupid mistakes all the time. And if you can’t recover from a mistake well every time you make a mistake you’re dead. That’s a really bad option. And no relationships can sustain themselves because we’re all going to we all know that we hurt the people we love you know continually. And so if we don’t have that capacity for repentance and forgiveness we can’t even maintain our relationships. But I would say you know give the devil its due. The people who might say that to you well they’re still expressing some anger obviously and they do have a point. It’s like well what the hell was wrong with you to begin with. But I think the way you deal with that is you scour your conscience and you admit to yourself why you were such an idiot to begin with. You know and you want to do that anyways because if you were an idiot and you now realize it you probably want to figure out why so you could stop being such an idiot and then the same stupid thing won’t keep happening to you. So you know I would also say that one of the pieces of evidence that you’ve grappled with an inadequacy sufficiently to actually change it is that you’ve been able to express that as an apology that the other person finds acceptable. On a practical note one of the things you can do that’s actually useful let’s say if you had a fight with your wife we’ll just use that as an example you can ask her look what would I have to say in in order for you to feel what would you say capable of forgiving me willing willing to incapable of forgiving me and she might say well you know if I have to tell you what to say then it doesn’t really mean anything and it doesn’t come from you but the right rejoinder to that is look I’m kind of stupid and I don’t have a special insight into what you need and if you tell me what would satisfy you I can at least then think about whether or not I can I can put myself in accord with that demand and if I can offer that to you and if I can’t at least I know what direction to aim in it’s really helpful when you when someone’s hurt you but you want to keep your relationship with them to ask them what their conditions for satisfaction are so those are some practical hints with regard to you know pouring oil on troubled waters