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you’re in a relationship the relationship is betrayed before you’re betrayed you’re in one place and after you’re betrayed you’re in another place before you’re betrayed your world is all structured and you know where you are and what you’re doing and who you’re with and what everything is the second after you’re betrayed none of that’s true and so the second after you’re betrayed nothing is structured it’s like everything reverts to a chaotic place and so in some sense the only time that you encounter a pure view of what the world itself is made out of what the ground of being is is when you encounter an error that’s so overwhelming that your current framework of meaning is no longer applicable so the framework blows apart but it isn’t as if nothing happens when the framework blows apart like if you’re in a committed relationship and you find security in that and you believe that the security is genuine and that blows apart then everything that you presume is wrong that’s your mid-welt but when that disappears there’s something underneath it and what’s underneath it that’s the ground of reality and the ground of reality is what you explore to put yourself back together and to put the world back together so you’re betrayed and you fall into a depression and you’re anxious but you know there’s always the possibility of a new relationship that beckons and perhaps your previous relationship wasn’t perfect so the chaos that you fall into is depressing and anxiety provoking so it generates a lot of negative emotion but sort of lurking behind that are the dim remnants of hope and then as you proceed forward with your grief and your misery and you’re attempting to reconstruct a stable mode of being you take out of that thing that’s anomalous you and the world so another way of thinking about this is that for the phenomenologists, and this is where they’re similar to the constructivists the ground of reality isn’t so much matter as it is information and when you’re living in your constructed world and things are going the way that you want them to go then you’ve constrained that information in a particular way constrained and narrowed it in a particular way that serves your particular narrow end and that makes things much more comfortable because then you don’t have to deal with the information that constitutes the entire world you can remove most of it and say well all that’s relevant to me all that necessarily makes up my world of being is this circumscribed set of phenomena and that works well when it’s working but when it doesn’t work and it blows apart that puts you somewhere else and that being put somewhere else can be revelatory sometimes people make new discoveries that blow their previous frames of reference and it’s awe-inspiring and overwhelming to them in a positive way sometimes you can come across something new that helps you reconfigure the way that you’re living almost instantly in a more comprehensive and fuller way but more common is the traumatic response which is when the presuppositions of your world are shifted dramatically and you fall into the surrounding chaos then it’s so hard on you that it actually does you psychophysiological damage have you ever read the fine print that appears when you start browsing in incognito mode? it says that your activity might still be visible to your employer, your school, or your internet service provider to actually stop people from monitoring your online activity you need ExpressVPN think about all the times you’ve used wi-fi at a coffee shop, hotel, or even a friend’s house without ExpressVPN every site you visit can be logged by the admin of that network that’s still true even when you’re in incognito mode ExpressVPN is an app that encrypts all of your network data and reroutes it through a network of secure servers so that your private online activity stays private ExpressVPN works on all your devices and is super easy to use the app has one button, you tap it to connect, and your browsing activity is secure stop letting strangers invade your online privacy by visiting expressvpn.com slash jordan that’s e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash jordan and get three extra months free expressvpn.com slash jordan you remember that drawing I showed you with the little ovals at the bottom and the bigger ovals at the top, the hierarchy you remember that? does everybody remember that? I decomposed say good person, which is a very high order abstraction down to put a fork on the table which is a motor movement that’s part of making dinner which is part of being a good parent, which is part of being a good citizen which is part of being a good person so the idea was that the higher order abstractions can be concretized down to the motor behaviors in a hierarchy okay, now if someone goes after you at the good person level of analysis and they just demolish you in the course of say a three year relationship hacking away at the idea that you have any moral worth whatsoever then that’s going to knock you into pieces at a very complex and high level of abstraction so that can undermine your entire world view if the person instead helps you retool the little behaviors and the little microstructures that make you up and if you’re willing to participate in that and if you’re open to corrective feedback from the world then you can continually adjust your self-esteem then you can continually adjust your self at a small level and then that makes the things in the hierarchy a little higher, a little healthier and then that makes the aggregation of those things a little higher in the hierarchy a little healthier and a little more complete then you can do this bit by bit retooling without ever having to suffer the demolition of huge chunks of your personality so let’s go back to the relationship where there’s a betrayal it’s like virtually every time someone gets flipped upside down because of a betrayal in a relationship after the betrayal happens they say to themselves there were all these signs I didn’t pay attention to so and maybe the first sign is who knows your partner starts to flirt a bit more when you go out on a social occasion and not a lot more, just a bit more and that’s the first sign and you decide because maybe you’re timid that that’s okay you’re not going to do anything about it but it’s interesting that it happens it grabs your attention and it means something but what you decide is it’s not worth paying attention to and so maybe the next eight times that you go out on a social occasion the same thing happens but it happens at a somewhat accelerated rate and then maybe the person starts to go out without you and so on, there’s this progression towards the end state of betrayal and every time you get a little hint the world tells you that something’s going on you put it aside and you fail to take it into account well, you’re forgoing your opportunity to adjust the relationship at micro stages because maybe what you should have done the first time that happened is you should have gone home with your partner and said what the hell’s going on? this is what was happening, why are you doing that? here’s how you should have behaved and of course that’s going to be a fight there’s absolutely no doubt about it it might be a micro fight instead of the relationship is over fight and in order to keep a relationship healthy it needs to be retooled at micro levels constantly and the same is the case with your own character when you encounter something that’s unexpected, especially if it’s small enough to handle you need to extract the information from it, rebuild the world, and rebuild yourself and when you’re doing that, every time you get evidence of an anomaly or an error, or every time the world manifests a meaning to you, then you won’t have to fall apart because the structure that constitutes you is going to remain viable and healthy from the bottom up, and if you don’t do that, then those errors are going to accumulate, and when they finally do manifest themselves as unavoidable, like when your partner says I don’t want to be with you anymore, or I’ve been with someone else for the last year there’s no ignoring that, then the whole thing comes crashing down you’re no longer in a relationship, you’re no longer in a good relationship, and then all the other things become questionable so meaning manifests itself so that you can retool being itself on a continual basis while simultaneously minimizing the risk of total collapse and morality then becomes the act of paying sufficient attention, and reacting sufficiently, so that that corrective process occurs so you’re inside one of these, you’re going from point A to point B, and as you do that things you want to have happen, happen, and things you don’t want to have happen and things you don’t understand happen, and let’s say that you investigate the things that you don’t want to have happen and you investigate the things that you didn’t expect, and you do that as soon as they come up so then what happens? well partly what happens is, you’re going to change your perceptions a bit and you’re going to change your actions a bit, and what that will culminate in over time is that this whole structure will change so instead of going from point A to point B, maybe you start shifting so that you’re going from point A to point C, because as you’re gathering information, as a consequence of the inadequacies of the way you’re looking at the world, not only are you improving your ability to perceive and to act but you’re also gathering information that helps shift your perspective to a better point B, because you might say, well where are you going and why? and the answer to that is, well you have a plan, you’re going to get your degree, I don’t know what your long term plan is but there’s no reason to assume that your long term plan is correct even though there’s no reason to assume that your long term plan is correct even though there’s no reason to assume that you can do without one so you’re in this weird situation where you have to live within a bounded space and the bounded space is going to produce errors, and it’s also going to be wrong, but at the same time if you use the bounded space, then you can transform it continually across time, even what it’s aimed at, and you can minimize the probability of precipitous collapse