Sincerity - Ahmad - Embodying the Logos (zn3pdXD_dFA)

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Hello and welcome to another episode of Embodying the Logos with Ahmad. So we’re like doing this mini series by now. We’re going to expand it into a series and today the topic that came up is sincerity. So yeah, introduce us into the subject. Sure. Well, thank you, first of all, Manuel, for having me on your show for maybe the fourth or fifth time already. It’s always a very refreshing session for me to remember, to have the voice of someone like you again in my head just reminding me of the things that matter. It’s always good. So sincerity. Sincerity was always a big topic for me. To start off with what I think sincerity is. I think it’s the alignment of your emotion with what is really good. So to put it in a concrete example, for example, I want to care about justice. I want to care about my friend who is whose son currently has cancer. And there is a situation where I sincerely care, where I can be there for the person. But let’s take something like. For example, there are some people who talk a lot and you know this person is going through something. But the moment you’re annoyed at that person and the moment where you are just you just don’t have the capacity to listen to them. You’re doing it because you should do it or I’m doing it because I should do it. So I end up really faking my behavior and I end up really mechanically acting like a good person, even though on the inside, it doesn’t feel this way. But in moments of sincerity, when I really care about something, it’s almost as if this caring is guiding my actions itself. It is. I just have to care. I just have to point my attention at something and I see exactly what what I need to see. And to go forward. I don’t know if I’m talking about sincerity or authenticity, but it sounds like sincerity to me. That was the first thing that came up. Yeah. And me. It’s like, yeah, like I bet you’re talking about this authenticity, right? Yeah. But being sincere. It’s like you’re right that it manifests in relationships somehow, right? You’re sincere in your actions. And like, I think those actions can be authentic or inauthentic. Right? I can be moved by something, but not be myself in expressing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I can be moved by something and be myself in expressing it. I think maybe that’s a way that we extend outside of a comfort zone. We get carried by the spirit of a sincere emotion outside of the reciprocally narrow vision that we have of ourselves. But then the question is, well, like, where do you go? Right? Like, is that actually leading to a good place or to a bad place? Right? Because it’s not necessarily that an action that’s thrown out of sincerity is connected to the good, right? Like your intention may be good, but if you go outside of the territory that’s known to you, how do you judge yourself? How do you judge your actions? Like you have a real problem there, at least if that’s what you want to do in the moment. Like maybe that’s not what you want to do. But that’s where sincerity comes in, right? It’s that you really want to do something. You want to be true to that spirit that’s guiding you. Or if taking someone who is sincerely praying, that person is probably in the moment where they sincerely feel need and they sincerely mean what they say compared to someone who prays out of tradition who’s just an imitator. They pray because, I don’t know, because they think it’s good. Not because they are connected to God, not because they love God, but simply because they, how do I put this? Because they’re mechanically used to it. I don’t know if that makes sense. Well, yeah. You know, like the self-righteous person who, when they pray, the self-righteous person who, when they pray, have taken something off their checklist. I have done a good thing. That’s it. So that I wouldn’t call sincere. Maybe it’s sincere in the sense that this person is trying to be good, but the prayer itself is not a sincere prayer. Yeah, well, like you’re pointing at something, right? There’s levels of being involved with things emotionally. I’m becoming aware of that. I connect it to my capacity to be in love, right? You have that existential mode of being in love, and then that gets frustrated. There’s something that drags you out, like something satanic. It’s a device that is there, that’s a way to conceive of it, at least. There’s a device there that blocks you, and that turns you away from God. That is pretending to be bigger than continuing in that faith that was holding you. And so there’s different ways of being connected to that. So I’ve been depressed over the last couple of days. I cannot be connected to my own life in some sense. There’s a dissociation. But I go to the toilet, I cook food, so I’m still doing the mechanical thing that you’re talking about. Is that not me loving myself? No, it is me loving myself, but I am limited in the ways of expression of that love. I don’t want to scandalize the mechanical aspect. We have a duty. We have to get up in the morning, or we have to keep the fire going. We’re not going to be dancing around the fire every day. That’s just not going to be a thing. But the fire still needs to keep going. I think that’s the other side of law, that you don’t let the fire go out, even though whatever is facing you is telling you to let the fire go out. Do something else. Yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good point, actually. To reach a level of sincerity, you need to conform to something first in order to conjure the spirit to which you can be sincere in the beginning. There’s a step before sincerity, which is actually mechanically being present or showing up to begin with. I would not necessarily say that. I think you can be sincere to things you don’t know. That doesn’t mean that you’re true to them, but I don’t think you can be authentic. Because the authenticity is in the intimacy, in the knowing. You’re authentic if you’re participating from a deep knowing. And knowing of yourself within the arena that you’re in. You have to be true, obviously, because there’s a problem, there’s a frustration in your participation. You can’t have the intimacy if you’re not true. Or you’ll have the intimacy on a different level. You can see if someone is lying, they have to keep up the web of lies. So they’re intimate with their web instead of intimate with what the web is connecting to. They’re intimate with the cave. What do you mean by the cave? The one with the web of lies is stuck in the cave. So they are intimate. Sure, but they’re intimate with their level of the cave, with whatever they are. Yeah, they’re intimate with what they’re facing. Exactly. They’re intimate with what they’re facing. And that’s kind of what it is. So you can willingly face something, or you can be caught in the spirit and face something. Or you can do both, which is probably the most powerful of them. But when you’re facing something from a spirit, now you’re in dangerous territory. You’re being swept up. To go back to the sincerity, I think the sincerity is like… Is it the channeling of will? Maybe it’s the alignment of will behind something that’s calling you. There’s a recognition of something important that makes you sincere. Anyway, let’s go back to why you’re wanting to talk about this. Because I’m thirsty for it these days. So the moments when I was sincere were the most meaningful, not only the most meaningful moments in my life, but also the moments when I could find my way. And if not find my way, they were the moments when I did not hate myself. So, for example, in my Masters, I sincerely loved the project. And when I would fail, I wouldn’t feel guilty, because I knew I was trying the best I could, because I knew I wanted to try the best I could. But in my present situation, the sincerity is not there, I’m not connected with it. And so it’s very hard for me to determine if I’m doing too much or too little, because I know there’s a little part of me that’s trying to get out of it. I know there’s a part of me that wants otherwise. And self-trust in this situation is extremely difficult, because I do not know my sincere intentions, I do not know what I want or what I’m trying to do. All I know is that there’s the step and it needs to be done, because it should be done. You know what I mean? I recognize what you’re saying. I have an experience like that. It’s interesting, what I heard from you is that the sincerity takes away the need for judgment? No, no, no, it doesn’t take away the need for judgment. On the contrary, it gives you the correct proper standard for judgment. But you’re passing the judgment automatically, because like you said, you already try in a satisfactory way. So the satisfactory way is that which fulfills the requirement of your judgment. Absolutely, yeah. Basically, if you have sincerity, you get out of jail free. No, no, no, not at all. It’s not that also. It’s not that you get out of jail free. It’s that you know what’s the standard by which you should judge. So in the first case, for example, the master thesis, I still judge myself that this was not good work. If I make a mistake, this is a mistake. If the thesis needs more work, then it needs more work. But I don’t accuse myself of slacking off. I do not accuse myself of being evil. That’s the point. I do not accuse myself of being a bad person. Whereas in the case of what I’m going through right now, because the sincerity is underground, it’s buried somewhere and I can’t find it. There are times where the self-deception is going to get in the way and it’s going to prove to me that I’m not supposed to work on this. I’m supposed to be doing something else right now. And there it’s very hard to judge. Was I a bad person? Was I not a good person right now? You’re confusing two types of judgment at this point. Okay, yeah, I’m with you on that. I’m with you on that. Confusing two types of judgment. Maybe you could help me discern them a little bit. What types of judgments are we talking about? Well, one is the fruits, right? Do I have good fruits? Right, yeah. But the fruits will happen, right? They will come. They will appear after labor. They just grow and then while you’re there, you’re like, maybe I should make wine out of this or whatever, or cider, instead of eating it fresh. Or I make apple juice. Or I make apple juice or I make whatever. The point being, these fruits, sometimes they’re not fit to what their role is. And then you can judge yourself in the sense that, okay, I’ve been misdirected or misdirecting my energy, which those are not the same, right? If you’re misdirected, you have adopted a conviction intentionally in some sense, right? But if you’re misdirecting your energy, you’ve made a wrong assumption, right? And that assumption does not reflect back on you, right? You couldn’t have anticipated the consequences of your action because you don’t have the experience, right? You don’t have the participatory knowledge. That would give you the discernment. So it’s not reasonable to look at yourself and say, wow, I should have done that different, right? So with these fruits, there’s just, they’re calibrations, right? The capacity to adjust behavior in such a way that you’re pointed towards the telos. Yeah, absolutely. And then there’s you, right? You as a person or as an agent, right? It’s like, okay, I have an agent and within my job, I need to show up well-rested. Maybe you have the one wedding and you don’t show up well-rested or whatever, right? And it’s like, well, the wedding was more important. Or it gets to give in to the other person. There’s one type. But there is a way in which you bear responsibility on that level, right? And that’s a different type of judgment, right? Because this is not a judgment of you in relationship to your role. This is you in relationship to yourself, right? Am I being a responsible person? Am I pointed towards the good in the things that I do, right? For example, if I get home and I get drunk after work, and then I destroy all the capacity that is within me to participate and work correctly, I can’t judge my work based upon what I do at work, even if it’s not working, because it’s the drinking that’s the problem, not me being like… Absolutely. Yeah, I get what you’re trying to differentiate. So in the first part, you have the T-loss, and there’s the judgment where you adjust your behavior so that you are more aligned to the outcome. Whereas in the second case, there’s how you take care of yourself relative to the goal, or how you show up relative to the goal. And this one is where sincerity is concerned. How seriously are you taking the goal? How seriously are you taking the T-loss? This is where self-deception comes in. That’s the problem. Like you have different identities, right? That’s why I came with the wedding example, right? So the wedding example is celebrating something sacred, but it’s also being a good friend, right? And it’s also preparing yourself for your own marriage or whatever, right? All of these things are in there. So there’s a significance to that activity that balances it towards showing up at work fresh or whatever, right? And so that… Here’s… Here’s… I understand also what you’re trying to say, but here’s a third… Here’s another factor to add to the equation. I fully agree with you that there’s a certain kind of proportionality you need to give. And sometimes you need to give less to the work and more to the wedding, because you have to honor that identity, you have to give that identity justice. But here’s the thing. When you’re in the situation where X is your responsibility, and you know that there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to take up that responsibility, this is where the problem comes in. This is where the lack of sincerity is a problem. So… But isn’t that a universal truth? What I said? Like, isn’t there always a part of you that wants to stay in bed in the morning? Yeah, but when that part is the strongest, and the drive to actually get things done is being overtaken by that want to stay in bed in the morning, then you have a big problem. Yes. I know that problem. That’s depression, basically. That’s depression. And that’s where I’ve always relied on sincerity to sort of outdo that drive to stay in bed, or that drive to not go to work. I remember when I was younger, I always did have that drive not to study or whatever. But there was a sincere interest, for example, in the subject. Like, I was way better at physics than I was at French, because in physics I had the sincere interest. But in French, I didn’t give a shit. Just didn’t give a shit. And I performed much better in physics than I performed in French, because the sincerity was there. There was this love. I am studying this. Yes, okay, there’s a part of me that wants to stay back, but that’s normal. Who doesn’t have that? But there is a sincere interest in this, a sincere desire to actually engage in this. And I could rely on that to take me forward. But if I’m stuck with French, and the only sincerity I have is that I should do this. I should do this. I should do this. Which is a very abstract drive. All I know is that this is a task that needs to be done. And the part of me that doesn’t want to do that task is way stronger than the part of me that wants to. This is where I’m in need of the sincerity right now. Maybe I’m describing things in a very poor fashion right now. It sounds like you want to enslave the spirit of something. Yeah, it does sound like that. Actually, that’s a very nice way of putting it. That’s a very interesting way of putting it. I think I even, I’ll be honest with you, I unfortunately did try to do that for some time, and I think it’s backfired. They bite when you try to enslave them. Yeah, I’ve heard that. They really bite. Yeah, they’re like, since I’m living here, can you please pay me? Oh no, no, no, no, they don’t like that. Yeah, I did go through that phase where I was even writing notes on how to do it, on how to access again that place where you are being moved by a spirit forward. I think I’m talking about the same thing I’m talking about. But it’s almost as if something really vengeful within me, which didn’t want to do this, just undid everything I had done before by engineering the situation of self-sabotage, where I just destroyed myself working on something that’s absolutely useless so that I can feel sick and not go to work. And I can sense the disappointment. I can sense the disappointment when something works out. When I overcome it and it works out, I can feel the disappointment in me. Shit, this stuff works. It means I have to engage. You know what I mean? I can sense that something in me is disappointment and it’s very scary because then I know that there’s a part of me that I can’t even do. A very strong one that doesn’t want to do this and it just gives the judge in me the license to self-hate even more because, oh shit, I thought I was the better than that. But it turns out I’m not. You should rephrase that. So you said that’s a part of me. You should say that’s a part in me, right? Because if you identify with it, you justify it. The judge or the hater? That doesn’t matter. No, no, you’re right. It’s a part in me. Are those you or are those things that you access? So they’re not you, right? And so are they serving you or are you serving them? Right. I know which one I picked there. Yeah, I absolutely know what you’re talking about. So that’s the thing I found about Christianity. It’s like, oh, yes, right? What is your identity? Well, you’re a child of God. Right? Like you’ll be like the stars in the heaven. That’s you. All the other stuff, no. That’s an ad. That’s an excellent way of putting it, by the way. So just to keep it true to my Muslim faith, I would say you are a creation of God. You are in the image of God. That is what you are before you are anything else. Any other identity is subservient to that. And you’re not anything else. You’re any identity is by virtue of that identity. Yeah. Like you are sustained. Right. And that, OK, hold back. If your belief is true, that is true. Because you can be under a different authority than God. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s also the case. You can be under a different authority sometimes. Hmm. So it’s actually very, very interesting. I mean, it is. A part that’s there. That’s there. And. But it’s the same as a rock on the road, right? Like, it’s there. I think I’m over identified with it. Come to think of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously you are. Yeah. And when you overly identify, you cannot conceive of it not being there. Like. You cannot conceive of any other parts. That’s the point. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot literally, right? It’s impossible. It’s impossible of thinking of a world where it doesn’t exist. Where you’re not under the influence. Because. Right, right, right. It’s part of you. You can’t let that go. Because there’s no like. And I was like, no, that’s not it. Like. No, you have to die. You have to let that part of you die. And then it’s like, well, OK, like, how do I do that? Where do I end up now? Right. Because I think when I heard you say, well, when I succeed, right, I get this voice. Like, what is this voice doing? It’s like, holy shit. If this is reality where I succeed. Then what is required of me? Who am I? I don’t want to deal with all of that. Like, let me get back into bed. Right. And it’s like, yes. Right. If you take the world upon your shoulders, like, it’s going to be a heavy burden. And it’s like, you’ll just look up and you’re like, that’s never going to happen. And then you lose faith. Right. And it’s like, well, you know what? I have this drug called sincerity, or a different word would be conviction or, well, conviction is more intentional. But yeah, there’s just like, oh, like if I can just only get captured in the spirit and then the spirit will bring me to the other side of the river. And then I can feel good about myself. I was like, did you get on the other side of the river or did you just win the lottery? That’s a good point. Like, like, like, who are you? Like, like, are you worthy? Are you worthy of the place that you got? Mm hmm. It’s like, oh, fuck. And now we’re back getting back into the imposter syndrome. It’s like, OK, like I got to this place and I cannot be authentic within the place that I got. It’s not like I didn’t deserve to be here. It’s like, yeah, that’s messed up. That’s messed up. And then, right, like if you just try to maintain that illusion or whatever, you, you, you, again, you overly identify with the non-identity, right? Like, I’m not this, right? Like, I’m not suited for this role or whatever. And like, it’s like, OK, so now you are the one that isn’t what he is. It’s like, you identify with that. It’s like, now you’re stuck. Like, that’s, now you’re corrupted. Like, that’s not a place that you can live. Right? And so, thinking about it, right, like, I think, I think you need to make a transition from the sincerity to, to authenticity. And if you, if you think that sincerity is going to drag you through, then it’s like, I got news for you. No, you have a point. It’s not going to do anything like that. Sincerity is not going to, it’s not going to save me. And it’s like an addiction, right? It’s like, oh, yeah, like, if I feel good today, I took my medicine. I took my antidepressants. And now I can do the thing like I wanted to. Like, it’s like, OK, what about tomorrow? Right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that’s not, that’s definitely not what I’m talking about. No, no, I know what you’re trying to say. I fully agree. Fully agree. It’s a very conditional, it’s like, I live on the, I will do what I must do on the condition that I feel good. And if I don’t feel good, then I won’t do it. But here’s the thing. How do I put this? No, OK, let’s just put it this way. This is definitely not the orientation I’m taking up. The condition, I will only do it on the condition that I’m feeling sincere, that’s off the table. It’s, it’s, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because you need to be ready to do something because it is good, not because it feels good. And when I’m talking about sincerity, it’s not about whether or not I do something. It’s whether or not I trust myself when I’m doing something. It’s about the level of trust that I have in myself when I’m performing. And it’s about the quality of the outcome that I get when I’m performing. Because when I am sincere, OK, when I’m not sincere, a lot of self-sabotage is going to be coming. A lot of self-sabotage. But when you reach the point of sincerity… Are you sincere when you do the dishes? When you take a poop? When I do the dishes, there is no resistance. OK. I have an old buddy in my head saying no. OK, but so, Dan, your description is already wrong. But doing the dishes is a very simple task. When it comes to a very complex task like cleaning your home. Why are you making an excuse? OK, I am… Let me think about it. If I’m sincere when I’m doing the dishes. Yes, I am sincere when I’m doing the dishes. I am very sincere. Are you sincere when you walk through the bus? No. No, I’m not sincere when I walk through the bus. You see the problem? No, here’s the thing. When I’m walking into the bus, I walk like an idiot. Because I don’t want to walk there. I don’t take shortcuts. I just take the long way without thinking about it. So the task is being undermined by whatever is… No, not necessarily. You don’t know what you’re doing when you’re walking through the bus. Like maybe you need to sniff two flowers and see a bird fly. Who knows? Like what’s the tell us when you’re walking through the bus? That’s not obvious, right? Are you saying walking through the bus just to walk through the bus? Or walking through the bus on my way to work? It’s not relevant. OK, if it’s just walking through the bus, then I’m sincere when walking through the bus. You’re sincere? You’re using a really weird conception of sincerity now. I’m sorry, that was too fast from my side. If that’s true, you have a really intense life. I was just thinking the same thing, by the way. Like I know I have a really intense life. I’m having a difficulty seeing how this applies to the situation I’m describing because walking through the bus… No, you have a point. You have a point. You have a point. I think the real challenge here is the whatever is dragging me down. So the sincerity is really not needed. It’s only acting as a remedy for something that is very particular, very specific to the situation. Yep, that’s why I called it a drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a drug. It is a drug. That’s an interesting way of looking at things. Is it? Interesting way of reframing this a little bit. Because I’m thinking of the time right now when I was having my first doubts in religion, religious doubts, like 10th grade. It was very religious. Then I hit a wall. Am I doing this right? Is this the right thing to do? Ah, everything went chaotic. I was sincere back then. I was sincerely in doubt back then. There was no resistance or very little resistance to being religious. I wanted to be religious. I sincerely wanted to know the truth. And looking back, I had no reason to blame myself for anything. I had no reason to worry as much as I worried. Worry as much as I worried. But now it’s different. Now it’s very different. Well, hold on. Let’s stay with the past first. Okay. I had no reason to hate myself. That’s my point. Well, I can find you one. In the past? Yeah. Go ahead. No, I’m not gonna because that’s not good. Obviously, there are reasons to hate yourself at that point. That’s just depending on the way that you look at it. It’s like, oh, if I wouldn’t have done that, that super obvious thing that I could have seen in that moment, those exist. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me finish. Yeah, I know where this is going. No, no, no. Now that’s the thing. Why do I hate myself? You need to let me know. Tell you why I hate myself. Because a part of me, a very strong part of me is religious is resisting the whole idea with religion to begin with. Yeah. And that’s why I hate myself now. Okay. So again, is it you or is it you or a part? Is it you or a part? Is it you or a part? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s a part of you. Or is it a part of you? A part in you. A part in you. A part of you. No, apart from you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A part. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. And like when you’re small, you’re naive, right? Yeah. Like that part is there, right? But it’s just moving with you and you’re like an animal in the weather, right? Yeah. Okay, the weather is just what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, okay, today is cold. Yeah, maybe you should have noticed the cold. Maybe you should have done something about it. You could have, but you didn’t. You just maybe realized something. Just maybe realize something right now. But the sincerity is always there. On some level, yes. Yeah, the sincerity is always there. You just need to, you need to discern between the different parts to find it. Well, no, you can even aim it, right? Because the sincerity is at a level. Like this is why I was talking about like feeling depressed, right? It’s like I’m still sincere in trying to stay alive, right? Even though I’m depressed, right? So the level of functioning, right? The level of detail of life, I can only participate in like the superficial layer, right? It’s like the mechanical, get this thing done so that you don’t die later. Like I’m suffering that less and less, but when you get deeper, I’m like, I’m a really intense person. Or I can get really intense. Yeah, I know what you mean. But then that takes something, right? Like that intensity is not necessarily a good thing because like it can take over. And like I’m sincere in what I do, right? I’m trying to be sincere. And like I’m actually so sincere in some sense that it’s detrimental to me that like I refuse to do untrue things in some profound way, which handicapped me. Right? Because then I have to figure out how they’re true before I can engage with them. Yeah. You know how much effort that takes? Yeah, I know how much effort that takes. That sucks. It really sucks. Like it’s just not a reasonable position, right? Yeah. You can’t live like that. You’re dead. So that’s the only way to live. But then it’s like, OK, like now I have to get that sincerity somewhere else. Right. And like I’ve been thinking about the biblical territorial claiming. Right. And it’s like, yes, you claim territory in your mind. And it’s like, well, when you have office in Matt land or whatever, right? Maybe you cannot relate to the emotions because they’re too far away. Yeah. So then you have to move the throne. Right. Or better yet, you lift up the throne so that you can cover more land. Yeah. But still, right, like your capacity to rule and your capacity to access are not enough. But still, right, like your capacity to rule and your capacity to access are not equal. They’re just not. So you have to privilege. Right. Yeah. Now we’re at relevance. Yeah. Yeah. I’m going to lift certain things up because they’re good. And what makes me a good person that I do that, that I cultivate the land. That you rule. That I, well, yeah, or that I want to rule. Like I don’t have to rule yet. That makes me a good person. Yeah. Whether I get the fruits or whether I’m like sitting there inspired at my job or whatever. Like I’m writing articles and sometimes it just like, shoot, it just flows. And sometimes it’s just like, I can’t get one line read. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, exactly. Exactly. And it’s like, well, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t be doing it when I can’t get one line read. I should be doing something else because like that’s not my portion of the day. Like, yeah, yeah. The self-manipulation thing, the self-drugging thing is becoming a bit more obvious right now because that’s most of the time for me. What you described. That’s most of the time for me the case. And because I find myself like I remember getting angry at myself a few weeks ago that not only angry, it’s just getting angry at the situation. Like, why do I, I’m sick of constantly trying to juice myself into functioning because it’s always like I can’t get a sentence out of myself most of the time. And I have to do a considerable amount of effort to get myself going. And at least that’s sincere. Yeah, making that effort is sincere. At least that is sincere. But also it’s stupid. Yeah, it is. It’s like, OK, like you’re wasting your sincerity on something that doesn’t function. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. It’s like. The thing is, Manu, here’s the thing. Here’s the fucking confusing part for me. It’s sorry for swearing on your channel. I didn’t mean it. Let me formulate. This is very important. It’s been my problem my whole life. So right now I’m having trouble formulating my thoughts. And I just got around to realizing that it’s maybe worthwhile to mention that. Because otherwise, I think it’s my responsibility to just force myself to focus even though I can’t. You know what I mean? And just being honest about it is. You don’t want to know how often I said, oh, my brain broke. Exactly. OK, like here we are again, brain. Nothing’s gonna happen anymore. Nothing’s gonna happen anymore. So the metaphor, you can also let me talk, especially if your brain’s broken. You just let me do the work. That’s what I try to do subconsciously. So the metaphor that I had in my head is like when you go run a race, like you prepare like weeks in advance or months in advance. And then on the day you dress up in your clothes, you put in your shoes, right? Like you do all the things you live towards it. And then you have to run. Now, running at that point is different than you are walking outside and you’re like, oh, the bus is coming. Let me run the last part. Right. Like that second one is way more natural. Like you don’t even think about running because the running is secondary to getting to the bus and the bus getting to the bus is important. And so when you’re like, oh, I need to make force myself to do this thing. Like, what are you doing? You’re you’re doing this whole liturgy like like you’re. Yeah, yes, yes. Yes, thank you. Yes, I was. I was thinking of doing something like that today. Yes, I was really thinking of doing this ritualizing my my my spirit to rise again so I could face whatever I want to face tomorrow. Yeah, it’s like like like like the positive conception is like, oh, look at me. I’m the hero. Right. Like I’m getting ready to face the dragon. Blah, blah, blah. Right. The positive version. Right. Like the other version is like this guy. He’s spending all this time. He’s spending all this time breaking his brain. Yeah. Like to fight a really small bug. Right. But you think the problem is it’s like the problem is I agree with you, but I am caught up in the small bug at the moment. It’s almost like I don’t have a choice. Yes, because you’re not letting yourself have a choice by like like I am Mark. We’ve been saying for years now, like people create the world that they’re adapted to. Right. Like, and not only for themselves, right. Like their behavior, like you’re going to get your colleague to reinforce the wicked stuff in your mind. Yes. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. They construct the situations around them. Yes. Yes. That’s true. And it’s like, like, you don’t have to do this. Like, like nothing. But they do it without noticing. They do it subconsciously. No, no. Yeah. But like the point is you created this whole reality for yourself that you don’t have to participate in. Like, you don’t. You can just say no. Like today I’m going to like clean my desk. Okay. You know what? Maybe I’m going to make a game. Like, like maybe if I clean my desk, I just write a sentence within 20 seconds and then I don’t look at it. That’s so fucking relieving. That’s so fucking relieving. What you’re saying. It is relieving. But the problem is whenever I do that, a demon in my head pops up. Hey, you’re being paid. You should be doing something. If you’re not working, you’re a bad person. Yeah, but I can tell you about this, right, for myself. Right. So I get depressed. Right. Like I’m like five layers functioning back from you. Right. Okay. So I’m laying here and I’m like, holy cow, I’m laying here. Like I haven’t done anything all day. Like I should go at least do some shopping. Right. And then that doesn’t happen. And then the next day it doesn’t happen. And it’s like, yeah, I get frustrated around that. Like I want to do it. And somehow it doesn’t manifest. I had actually two hours and I was like, I should read a book. And I’m like, oh yeah, like the book is like four meters from me. I should get it. Like I don’t. Like I don’t get the stupid book. It’s like, yes, I can beat myself up. But on the other hand, like there’s a reason that that happened. And like I’m no longer there now. Right. Like I’m somewhere else where something else is taking the place of the book. Right. And it’s like, and I can go outside. Right. And it’s like, oh, maybe I went to this place, but I didn’t want to disorder place. Right. Like, like there’s always this thing that can take the place of the book. And like, like I just have to accept that. Like one day the book is actually the book. And that’s really crappy. Right. To be so incapacitated. But yes. But on the other hand, it’s like, that’s where I’m at. And it’s like, could I have forced myself to get the book? Yes, definitely. Would I have read the book? I don’t know. Like I doubt it. Like there’s a reason why I’m not getting the book. Yeah. Maybe I know that I’m not ready to get it. This forcing myself, I have a history with forcing myself. So this, I forced myself a lot. Way too many times, maybe. And the result is that everything snaps eventually when you force yourself. Right. And like, like I fully admit that I don’t force myself alone. Right. Like, like, like sometimes I just have to get the book. Right. And like maybe 50% of the time I don’t read it. The other 50% I do read it. And I need to give that 50% a chance. Right. Like, you need to create space for the miracle to happen because if you never, right. Then you start identifying with the disability. Right. It’s like, no, like I am a person that’s able to get the book. Like I am. Like I know. So like I need to get that book at some point. Right. Like, like something has to convince me. Right. Fincer is to conquer. Right. Like I need to conquer that land. Right. And maybe that land was mine yesterday. But today it’s not like it’s been taken from me. Like someone has occupied my land and I need to take it back. And like it really sucks if that’s your battle. Right. Yeah. If you’re fighting over land, because like you shouldn’t be fighting over land. Right. And I think I think that’s what you’re looking for in the sincerity. It’s like, yeah, yeah. Like I want to just sweep over the lands in the tidal wave and have God conquer all my foes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That’s pretty much what I’m looking for. And that’s and a sense of meaning, to be honest. It’s not just that. That’s also a sense of meaning, because the points when I’m connected with my sincerity are the points when I feel most meaningful. But let’s focus on that a little bit. Right. OK. Because there’s two ways to think about that in my head. Right. So one thing that I can think of right now is that you’re like in a zone of optimal development. Right. You’re you’re in flow. Right. And therefore it’s meaningful. But actually, I don’t like that. Like, OK, but that’s the way that for Vicky would explain it. Right. That’s that’s too idealistic. It’s too idealistic, because you can be in a state of meaning and you’re suffering like hell. Like not in a state of flow at all. And then I’ve had these. Wow. I don’t know. I don’t know if suffering is not a flaw state. And that’s it. It could be. Could be. You could suffer and be in the flow state at the same time. But because I think I can. Super manual. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I know. I don’t think flow is a good thing. Well, I don’t think it’s. How do I put this? I think it’s a get out of jail free card flow. So. It’s great if you got it. It’s great if you get at it. But you kind of miss out on something. You kind of miss out on suffering. You miss out on certain growth when you’re in the flow. Yeah, fair enough. But like all these things are temporary. Yeah, yeah. I mean, not just temporary. I’m going to. There’s this story that when I was in my bachelor years and. The. The person I was in love with. She had feelings for someone else and it was extremely painful. I was definitely not in the flow. During that phase. But there was something so. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. But there was something so beautiful about the struggle. I remember I a part of me, despite the fact that I was really suffering a lot. Despite the fact that I was not at my best, I was definitely not in the flow state. But there was kind of a flow in this narrative of overcoming the struggle and. Looking towards what’s new. What’s what I don’t know yet. Like I. I’ll admit. So that I felt like a hero. It’s that there’s this, you know, however, Vicky says that joy is not a good feeling. It’s the feeling that this is good. I was somewhat there. Yeah, that’s like witnessing, right? Like you’re looking at instead of looking through. Like I think because I think happiness is when you look through it. Something and joy is like you look at. What you’re partaking in, right? Like and which which means that you’re you’re in something big, right? Like it’s it’s it transcends you. Yes, yes, it transcends. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And then we get into connectedness, right? Intimacy, authenticity again, right? Like. Because because I think. To be authentic is is to be in that which is bigger, right? You’re partaking in a larger body. And being in in in your place, right? Like in the right place. Like before this, I was praying at church. This idea of grafting came up in my head, right? You have you have planting a seed, but you also have grafted, right? And you graft from like the stem of a tree, right? And what do you do when you cut? You make both parts naked. Right. And then you make them touch. And then they grow into each other literally like the veins connect. And like what what is that right? Like like that’s partake like that is becoming part of a new body. And I’m being integrated into that ecosystem, right? Like that. You you you are now part. And that requires something of you, right? Like like it like it requires the nakedness, right? Like if you’re not naked, you’re not going to get that connection or not that quality of the connection. And so like what is nakedness? Well, that’s humility, right? Like like humility is is is the ability to to see your smallness in some sense, right? Like like your your lack or at least your true nature, right? Like maybe it’s not a lot like maybe you are you actually have a certain strength, but you have to you have to see see it right. Right. Right. Like you see, OK, like I’m getting the strength because I get nourishment. I have all of these dependencies even in my strength. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Even in my strength. Yeah. I have all of these dependencies. And that’s being grafted onto the body will provide me with more nourishment and more capacity for strength. And then like what what is what is writing this sentence? Like what are you doing? Like what are you truly partaking in when you’re putting those letters on? Like, are you grafting yourself onto that place? And is is grafting yourself not completely different than doing this liturgy that into the demons in your head like or away from them? No, no, no. Like you don’t go away from them. You make them. You do. You grab yourself onto the good like. Like you you are bound like like you’re a child of God like you. You get your identity bestowed from heaven. Like all of this other nonsense like it’s nonsense. Like it’s not for you. It’s not your portion. How would you translate that into action? How would you translate that into action? Not action. So what I’m understanding from you, what I’m understanding from you is that so I have this thing that the way I notice that something is beyond my capacities now or that I’m approaching something with the wrong framing is that it really starts feeling like a rubber wall. Like physically, physically, I feel like I’m pushing my limits. Right. No, no, it’s not distancing. It’s it’s like it’s like pushing against something that doesn’t want to budge doesn’t want to move. Yeah, but it’s either you can you can also take the other perspective. Right. So I’m not saying that I’m not going to push my head against the wall. I’m just saying that I’m not going to push my head against the wall. Yeah, but it’s either you can you can also take the other perspective. Right. Like when when I when I take a rubber, right. Like I push myself in. And like what is the rubber doing when I push myself in? It’s stretching. Pushing me back. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Pushing. Right. So you can say, well, like it’s holding me back. Right. From my perspective. Or you can say, no, it’s actually pushing. Like it’s actually there’s something. Yeah, yeah, there’s something pushing me away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s exactly it’s it’s isolating. Right. It’s isolating. Yeah, that’s also the case. Right. Because that’s the quality of the otherness of what is pushing. Right. Yeah. Yes. Yes. You can take the first person perspective and say, OK, that’s my experience. It’s like, is that is your experience what’s happening? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. That’s a very powerful statement right now. Let me let me savor that for a second. This is a very, very interesting. I’ve never I mean, I’ve thought of it, but I’ve never really tried to internalize how striking this is. Is your experience what is happening? You have no clue how liberating that can be. Yeah. So the rubber wall. And I can flip that around. Right. Because it’s like, OK, it’s not obviously. Right. But it could be. Yeah, it could be. Exactly. It’s like, oh, shit. Yeah, definitely could be. Definitely could be. No doubt that it could be. Going back to the rubber wall, the otherness thing you talked about, it’s almost like this, you know, the grafting thing. I think it’s the exact opposite of the grafting thing that you mentioned, the grafting metaphor, because the rubber wall is two sided. It’s me refusing to enter and it’s the other refusing to let me in because I am refusing to enter. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you should rephrase that from not your perspective. The whole thing. What like like what what if the other is God who’s waiting there to embrace you? What if the other is God waiting there to embrace me? It is very hard for me to see it like that because I’m convinced that God doesn’t like me at all right now. Not convinced, not convinced, not convinced, not convinced. I’m just extremely sure. Well, a part of me thinks like, like, like, who are you to mind read God like you need to chill out on that one? That’s a like, like, like, like, like, like the way you said it. I like the way you said it. I like the way you need. You need, you need, bro. Chill, chill, bro. I’m just like, do you know what God values like? Like, do you even have a clue what what what is standard of measurement is to judge you? Hasn’t he revealed that? Did he? OK. In his Bible or in his Quran or whatever perspective. Oh, yeah. Do you understand what this says? I think like like like I don’t I don’t care if he revealed it or not. Did he reveal it to you? Yeah, maybe I’ve judged myself too harshly in that perspective. And that’s me again doing the same thing I always do with just externalizing my perspective and making it making my experience the case. I’m not saying it right now, but I don’t sincerely mean it because I know what I understand is it just going to come back. But it’s good to hear it right now. But hold on. Like, you don’t everybody does that. Yeah. To a certain degree. Or a certain duration. Like, that’s the battle. Like, the battle is not. Oh, is there a rock on your road? It’s not like how long is that rock going to keep you like that? It’s like whether you need to climb over it or walk around it or build a tunnel like like you got to pick one and you better get to work. Yeah, you get to work. Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, you’re a good person if you’re dealing with the rock. Like, no, like, your goodness is not decided by actually fixing the rock over there. Like, the goodness is decided by affording God to have a miracle in your life. And that means that you have to keep attending to the rock. Or that that means that you have to get up and get your book. Yeah. This is a dangerous conversation. Because I’m. I worry that I will open up the gates for. Like, I’m worried I’m going to use this as an excuse now. That OK, this is too hard for you. Don’t do it. Maybe you need to approach that face. Like, like, for real. Like, who knows? Like, you’re you’re not perfect. OK. No, absolutely. I’m not perfect. You’re you’re in a fucked up position. Yeah. You’re diseased. Yeah. You need to heal. And do you know what that healing looks like? No, because then you’d be closing the door for the miracle. Funny, funny. You asked that question and I find it very interesting that I that that. Because I have an image in mind of what the healing looks like. Yeah. Or a memory of what the healing looks like. Some healing, some. Yeah, some healing. It’s some healing, but healing your problem. Healing something else. I like I don’t know. And like all the other things right is like, OK, like maybe when you’re a baby. Running to mommy was healing. Maybe when you’re an adult, running to mommy is not healing, but it’s actually disease. So it’s like, OK, like, why are you relying on the past? Because this like when I was when I was with the psychiatrist, they were like, what’s what’s the what’s your question of aid? Right. Like, why do we need to help you? And I’m like, if I would know that I wouldn’t be here. There’s you don’t know what you’re dealing with. Like, if you know, at least I, if I knew what I was dealing with, I would have resolved. So I don’t know. That’s something I do. That’s something I tell myself very often, because I have been in situations where I knew I knew if I did X, Y, Z, everything would go perfectly. And it fucking backfired. Yeah, I went through this phase last month. Yeah. I mean, yeah. To go back to your psychiatrist thing. It’s a very, very good point you make there that you. You don’t have it all figured out. Right. And to take the perspective of the psychiatrist, right. They they suppose that you presuppose that you’re good. Like, that’s why I’m asking you that question. Hmm. By asking. No, I’m making a statement. Right. Like, they’re they’re assuming health. Right. It’s like, OK. You’re diseased because you came from ease. Who said you came from ease? Like, you didn’t come from heaven. Like, you might have come from purgatory, if you’re lucky. It’s like you probably came from hell. That’s why you’re there. Hmm. So they’re assuming that the homeostasis is your origin. And that’s why they call it this eased. And that’s why you’re saying they they presume that came from health. And what’s their standard of health? Right. Right. So they’re making a functional. All right. That’s a big slap in the face for me. That’s a big slap in the face right now. The capacity to function. Yeah. What what I’ve actually been. I’ve been. Measuring my measuring a lot of things, actually, by the capacity to function. Oh, my God, I’ve been such an unfair person to myself right now. Because I had this period a few weeks ago where I was judging myself for wasting all this time on all these wisdom practices. When they didn’t really get me through and really get me through the whole thing. I was trying to do wisdom practices when they didn’t really get me through and work. They didn’t really make me more functional. Oh, you’re trying to enslave your wisdom practices. Is that it? No, I think I was doing that. I think I was actually not enslaving my wisdom practices. But but well, yeah, you were. Yeah, I was trying to enslave my wisdom practices. Okay, yeah, were these were these wisdom practices accessing God or trying to access God? Were you trying to enslave God? No, I was enslaving myself with them. I was. Yeah, well, that’s that’s the effect. Yes. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what was the action that you were engaged in? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It was you’re trying to put God under your will. Like I’m I’m the judge like God, you need to make the world manifest according to my judgment. It was more like it didn’t have to do with the world. It was more like I want to I want my attention to manifest according to my judgment. Or rather, I want my life to manifest. But yeah, I don’t see the distinction. Yeah. It gives all vanity upon vanity. Gauri de Plasiasis. Get some of the wisdom in you. Like like again, right? Like maybe like, OK, I’ll tell you what my experience was. So I went to this Catholic pastor a while back. I’m telling him my story and I’m like, yeah, I think I’m kind of getting out of the desert now, like getting back into life and everything. I mean, it’s like maybe you’re still in the desert. Like maybe you’re still in the darkness and you see the light over there. But you’re not in the light. And if you start working now, you’re going to wonder because your path isn’t lit. Like where are you going if you’re not in the light? So maybe you need to be called out of the darkness. And then then when you’re in the light, you can start more. And so that was like, holy, like I did not feel good about that at all. Is this true? Like this could be true. Like, no, I don’t want this to be like that. That’s one thing. Yeah, it’s disappointing. Yeah, I know there’s hope in there as well. So I asked him, like, what should I do? And then I get this I get this non answers like, yeah, but like I have to do something when I leave here. It’s like I noticed that you use the word have to a lot. Me too. Me too. Screw you, dude. Like I’m trying to figure out like I have to breathe. Like I have to take a step. Like I cannot not take a step. Right. And then he said the other thing is like, I like I never like this stuff. But he said, can you imagine that you have value without doing anything? Like, that just you being is already rooting in the eyes of God. Yeah. Now, like, to be fair, like, I don’t know if I can, but also I don’t know. That’s my being is good. Right. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. But like, like, but it’s like, but you need to do things in being right. Like you need to practice. No, no, I know. I know. Of course you need to participate. I’m just saying what the bare minimum that that’s. Yeah, like, there’s a weird conflict there. Right. Like, I think the problem is with the baseline. Right. Like you have to, like, when we’re talking about humility, you have to get the baseline at zero. Right. Like everything. And this is where I struggle with happens by God’s grace. Right. And I’m trying to explain that to myself. Right. But this idea that you’re worthy. Right. Just by being is because everything else is added onto you. Right. Like, that’s not you. Yeah. And that that’s grace. And like, I’ve been referencing. I got God’s dog from the show. Amazing. So in the start, there’s this piece where this guy is talking about the lights, which is interesting because in the first pages, you see him walking with the lights, getting to the scrolls and all. And then he says, well, someone has to carry the light to the next generation. Because what if what if they don’t? Like, there is that bird. But it’s like, are you are you ready for that bird? Are you worthy? Because this is this is the thing that that’s been bugging me a lot or maybe not bugging me, but coming up me a lot. It’s like, what if I’m not ready for that bird? A lot or maybe not bugging me, but coming up me a lot. It’s like when a body can only properly embody the ammunition that it’s under. Right. If it’s worthy. If it’s not worthy, it’s going to corrupt. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if it can. Yeah, maybe it can corrupt, but it might also be crushed by it. That’s also. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like if it’s too corrupt, then like it won’t hold. Right. It won’t hold. And but it’s like, OK. So what does that mean? Like, what’s the imperative that blows from there? Like, OK, you have to be a worthy body. Well, like, like, how is a worthy body? Well, like, it has to be held. Right. Like, how is it healthy? By being alive. How is it alive by being breathed in the spirit? Anyway, I like. There’s something I have to ask you. There’s something I have to ask you. It might be something I’m projecting on you. Whenever whenever you. Whenever you talk about being open to the spirit. Yeah. Whenever you talk about like stuff like this, like the what you’re experiencing doesn’t have to be really the case. Doesn’t have to be what’s real. Or when you say like it probably isn’t. And stuff like stuff like when you say you maybe it’s God waiting to embrace you. I always I always expect that in your heads, the way to go is to release the past and embrace the Bible or embrace something from scripture. But I don’t know if that’s accurate. Um. I don’t I don’t know what that would mean. Like maybe. Like, like. I don’t know. Like pray. Like just OK. You’re confused. You don’t know what to do. And you’ve tried. It’s all about you’re forcing yourself. So you’re now stop forcing yourself. So you now pray. Just pray so you can open yourself up to God’s grace. Yeah. I like. OK, I’m having a hard time praying. Like, it’s just like I had a hard time meditating in some ways. Having a hard time praying. Yeah. Sometimes not. Right. Like I can I can make your sincerity argument. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you’re like, oh, yeah, I like I wish I was sincere every time I prayed or whatever. Right. And like I see people at church like push themselves towards that. And I’m like, I don’t know. Maybe. But like, it’s also like there’s different modalities. Right. Like there’s there’s receiving revelation. Right. Like there’s reaching beyond where you are. Right. Like there’s participating in the right pattern. Right. Like there’s all of these things and they all need to happen and they all need to have a place. And so. I don’t know. Like if scripture is scripture completes, I don’t know. Yes and no. Right. Like I think scripture is meaningless unless you embody it. I don’t think you need scripture to embody these things. Like you might need scripture to embody them in right relationship. I don’t know. I don’t I don’t think it’s relevant. I think what I do think is you’re not smart enough to do this stuff by yourself. So like you need it. You need guidelines. You need guidelines. Yeah. No. But also not only guidelines, but you just need the information. Like if and the living tradition. Yeah. If you don’t have it, like how is it going to get revealed? Like where’s the revelation coming from if it’s not from something that pre-exists? It’s like you’re going to walk into like open all the doors by yourself. You’re not going to do that. You’re not going to get the experience. Like no. So go back to your question. You rephrase the question. So to rephrase my question. So that that yeah. So let me rephrase the question. So I’m going to rephrase it with an example. So I’m right there sitting in front of the computer. I’m finding the task meaningless. I’m finding the entire project meaningless. And I’m terrified of making a mistake. So I don’t write. I just sit there and I freeze. Then I start worrying. Oh, no. My relationship with God is strained. God doesn’t love me. What should I do? And then comes your suggestion. Sometimes you can’t force yourself. You just need to rely on God. You need to trust God. And the question is, what is the course of action in this case? Oh, that’s simple. Right. Yeah. First of all, I don’t know what I’m doing. OK. So yeah, let’s let’s let’s do this move. Right. We have the kingdom prayer. So I’m going to put you this. But first, it’s like your kingdom come. You will be done. Yeah. So first, we establish the kingdom, which is the hierarchy. Right. Then that hierarchy. Right. So what does the kingdom mean? Well, that means that there’s a king and the king has dominion. So first, you have to appeal to the king and then you will be done. Right. So the king sets a decree about what needs to happen. So when when you’re in a situation where things don’t work, you’re going to have to be a king. It’s not working over here like. I think I was expressing your will, but I’m fairly certain I’m trying to express my will. And that’s no good. So help. Yes. And I was like, OK, so I’m going to be done. So I’m going to be done. So I’m going to be done. So I’m going to be done. Help. Yes. And I was like, OK, so maybe maybe in this example, the king is busy. Right. And it’s like, OK, well, what would the king require of me? Like, OK, like I’m I’m not doing work. So like, that’s definitely not a good thing. Like, is there something that I can do to make the work happen? Right. Like get a cup of tea or smoke a cigarette. Or like just like do yoga, whatever. Right. Like, like, yeah, like whatever that thing is that gets you. Energized or whatever outside of the trap. I was like, OK, like, that’s an option. So that’s where you reestablish the will. And then, like, basically, you had a lack of faith. Right. And you need to reestablish your faith. But like, maybe maybe it’s not your day. Like, like, maybe today is raining and we can’t take the latrine, like, because it’s muddy. I’m like, it’s no use to dig in the mud because like you’re not going to get the work done. Yeah. And then it’s like, OK, we have to accept that today is not a latrine digging day. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s like, OK, like, what does the king want you to do? He wants you to do. Make rations or maybe he wants you to go to your commanding officer and ask for redirection. Maybe he wants you to, I don’t know, like clean your equipment so that when when the rain is gone, like you can do double efficiently your work. Right. Like there’s there’s many ways in which the energy that is available to you is can be manifest in a way that’s still contributing to that role in the kingdom. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But it’s also like, oh, like, like maybe your co-workers having a rough time and you’re having a rough time and maybe it’s time to have fellowship. But this is exactly what happens. This is exactly what happens. Basically, what ends up happening is that I end up working on something I actually can work on, even though it doesn’t seem to move anything forward, or I end up having a conversation with a friend who’s having a problem. It’s exactly what ends up happening. Well, but then also is like, OK, so now you’ve done that. Can you go back? Right. Yeah. Like, like, don’t don’t get pulled into the thing that you think is good and use it as a distraction. Because it’s like that, like, damn, it’s it’s a device of the devil. Hmm. Right. And I’m sorry. Like to to to reframe, right. Like now you get all these hierarchies, right. OK. Like this needs to be done to glorify God. Right. But also, like, I’m a child of God and I’m not only that identity. So like there’s other things that can be done. And within that identity, I have multiple options. All right. And it’s like, yeah, like, maybe maybe it’s just no, it’s not your day. You’re not going to get anything done. What’s your job done? Maybe don’t be resent. Maybe that’s all you can do. Yeah. Yeah. It’s like, like, oh, yes, there there there there is a thing that I can do where I where I still live in gratitude. It’s like, OK, like I am the person that can do this every day. And today I can. And now I can see the value of being able to do it every day, which is now I’m talking to myself. But whatever. No, no. But but but the thing is, it’s very much the way you think you’re talking to yourself. But you’re pretty much saying my life story, because this is pretty much what happens to me. Right. Except except there’s the doubt part that am I doing this right? And of course, that’s also an inevitable part of it. But to hear it, to hear that this is normally how things go, that this is actually how people handle things or how one can handle things is a viable way of being. Yeah. But what like OK to go to the doubt. Right. It’s like, OK, so if we if we do this back into the kingdom terms, I didn’t even go to the whole prayer thing. Right. Maybe I should I should I should grab it somewhere. I should let you know that I need to be going in a bit. Maybe I have 10, 15 minutes. But OK. OK. Yeah. OK. Anyway, like. I’ll check it out. I’ll check it out. The kingdom prayer. The this. I kind of lost it. Oh, yeah. So. So I was thinking about what is my experience, right? And like I can tell you my experience now. Right. Like when I’m talking. I’m I’m being called along a path. It’s like, oh, I need to mention this. Oh, I need to mention that. Oh, I need to mention that. Do I know why these things come up? No. Do I care? No, because I can make the connections. Right. And if you’d ask me, I could justify it. But but I don’t I don’t go there. Like, I don’t I don’t know that there is a justification. Right. Because like I might have not made it yet, but I know I could make one. And like, that’s that’s a weird place. Right. It’s like, OK, so like I I trust on my capacity to say that I’m on firm ground. Right. And now we’re going back to authenticity. Right. Like, like, so I’m I’m at a place that I don’t know. But I’m still secure. Like, like what allows me to do that? Oh, yeah. No, no, I know what I was getting at. Which is miracle. I think of the bag. So you were you were talking about judging yourself and stuff. Right. And and it’s like. Is that your job? Like, for real? Like, if you’re in the kingdom, maybe the judgment should come from what is above you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s like, oh, right. Like, like, maybe the guy paying your salary should figure out whether you’re worth it or not, because you don’t know what you’re providing and what he wants from you and like how much he’s willing to pay. Yeah. So like, like, what do you get? Yeah. Like, that’s not your problem. Like, your problem is to do the good thing in your job. Right. Yeah. To to to manifest the kingdom and like not be a corruption. Like, and so there’s this parable like, oh, I’m going to put you in this. But there’s basically there’s these two sons. Right. And the father asked them to help. And the first one says, oh, I’ll help you. And then he doesn’t show up. And the other one says, no, I need to show. Which one is the better son? Which one is the better son? Yeah. I mean, I’m not going to answer because obviously the answer is not so straightforward, is it? Which one is the better son? Well, just justify it. Should I try? How do you judge them? Yeah. Like, like, where do you stand when you look at that? So from my limited standards and point of view, the better son was the son who came. Who actually showed up, even though he said no. Because what what is the value that he embodied? His father asked for help when he came to help compassion. He was compassionate. Was he? I don’t think so. Well, in the beginning, he was it, but eventually he came. Ah, I see where you’re heading at. I made a narrative there. Well, he showed up. We don’t know what he did. He just showed up, right? But that’s not the point. It’s like the point. Like, what’s what’s the value that he embodies and what is the value that he embodies? What’s the value that he embodies and what’s the value that the other son embodies and which of those values is more important, more fundamental? Well, that other son showed up. So I’m assuming he showed up to help. This guy is embodying he’s embodying service. OK, he’s serving. He’s serving. He’s serving. What is the other? What is the other one doing? The other one is embodying truthfulness to his words. So no, because he didn’t show up. So he wasn’t true. But he said he wouldn’t show up. No, he said he would. I said he would show up. But I misunderstood the story. Oh, OK. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Maybe he’s he’s he got. It doesn’t matter why he didn’t show up. He didn’t show up. Right. Like that’s the contrast. The contrast is the one the ones agreed with the father and the other one disagree with the father. And one worked and the other one didn’t work. Right. And so there’s a value of of manifesting. Right. And then all you of agreement or or submission. And so that’s that’s the two things that are in competition. And which one is and why? They’re both equally important. No, you don’t think so. The agreement and the manifestation. Well, if I were being honest with myself. The agreement is at the level of what you see before you. Mm hmm. But there are things you don’t see about yourself, things you don’t know about yourself. You don’t get to judge if you agreed sincerely or not sincerely. And even when you do manifest something, it doesn’t mean you agreed. So you can’t really tell if I want to be really rigorous here. And philosopher philosophical. It’s very hard to tell. You need to know everything about the situation to be able to judge. Like, this is this is the cool part. Like, I don’t I don’t think that’s true at all. You don’t need to know anything. All right. And the reason why I think you don’t need to know anything, but maybe I’m wrong. Right. Like, this is my interpretation. Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. I came up with that myself. OK. Yeah. Yeah. But so Jesus says the son that agrees is the good son. Yeah. And like, why? Well, because he’s respecting the hierarchy and he’s not frustrating. How things manifest. Mm hmm. Right. So so what he’s doing is he’s not frustrating. So what he’s doing is he’s he’s being a good participant in the kingdom. Right. He’s he’s aligning his will with the will of his father. Mm hmm. Even though he can’t manifest the will. Mm hmm. But we’re going to always get into places where we cannot manifest the will. Like, that’s that’s the constraint of life. Like, that’s just going to happen. But what’s important is that we submit that our will is under the father’s will. If we’re not under our father’s will, we’re in division. Right. And and we can still cooperate in division. Right. Like, I can come assist you because like I want to or whatever. Right. Or like today I feel graceful. I’m like, I’m going to spend some time talking to him. Ha. Right. Or I can talk to you or intend to talk to you and not show up because I think talking to you is manifesting the kingdom of God. Right. And it’s like, OK, so so what like what what is it that I’m participating in? Like, is my participation, my actual participation important or is having a true intention and keeping my true intention even though I can’t keep up with it important? Orientation. Right. And it’s like, there’s only one answer. Like, because if we don’t have the proper orientation, things can’t manifest. So like that has to come first. Like it has to be primer. Like, it’s not an option. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, like, how did I look at that story? That’s step one. That’s step one. Step one is orientation. That’s a very, very simple thing. Remember, who’s your father? Like, like, who lays down the law? Like, it’s not you. It’s not whatever demon you’re summoning. Like, those are all both false. Like, those are all both false. I was like, well, you can buy into that story. You can maybe live your life buying into that story. But you shouldn’t. Like, because it’s not living. It’s enslavement. That’s an interesting way of looking at it. So it I don’t know if I’m seeing things, but it kind of meditation symbolizes that. Because when you’re meditating, you’re basically practicing how to let your attention be under the control of God. When I’m meditating, you don’t say so. No, I don’t think that’s God. Like, it could be. I don’t think that’s God. Like, this is my problem with the Eastern. Like, they’re neutral. Right. Like, they don’t like goodness. Right. Like, I’m going to use the crappy platonic thing. Right. Like, is union. Right. Like, I’m just going to go back to Christian. It’s the throne. Right. Like, the throne is from where things are ruled. Right. So the union under the king is goodness. And so if you meditate, you’re not unified under the king. Like, like, like you could be. But like, there’s no guarantee. Like, like the only thing that makes you unify under the king is to be a subject. Right. And to worship. Like, and only if you worship. Right. Which means that you are binding yourself to the body of the kingdom and being informed by it. That’s when you can be a subject. Like, that’s when you can be an agent that is expressing the will of the king. Like, without that, like, you can’t be an agent of the king. You can’t be someone who is in alignment with the will of the king. Right. Like, that’s the second son. Right. Like, he’s acting in the world in alignment with the will of the father. Right. In his action. But not in his being. Like, he’s not aligned with the father. He’s a rebel. And he’ll always be a rebel, even though he chooses to participate. It’s a bit like hypocrisy. Well, it’s autonomy. Right. Like, I want to be my separate thing. Like, I will do your thing, but only my way. I’m like, I accept this. These are words that came from my mouth. I can tell you that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I still see meditation as a practice of surrender. Yes, you surrender. That’s correct. You surrender to what? To something? To something. Like, that’s why it’s dangerous. Especially if you have issues. Like, you surrender to your issue. You surrender to the loop that you’re in. No, I still don’t think that’s the case. No. I hope you’re right. That’s a separate discussion. That’s a whole separate discussion. You better be sure you’re right. Like, I’ll just say that. You better be really sure. And you cannot be. Like, that’s the problem. Like, you cannot be. Like, there’s no way. Yeah, you can never be sure. Yeah, you can never be sure. It’s absolutely sure. It’s absolutely certain. Yeah. So, let’s make an end to this. Yes. Yeah, you want to do a takeaway? Take away. Maybe say, like, did you expect it to go here? No, no, I did not expect it to go here. I didn’t expect it at all to go here. Especially with God waiting to embrace you, part. It’s helpful to hear that. So, takeaway. So, sincerity may be that moment of connection when your emotions are aligned with your goal. But don’t look at it because you shouldn’t have to induce it just to be functional. It is not a tool for your functionality. And when you’re not able to be functional, that doesn’t imply bad. All you need to do is show up with the right orientation. Right. And like maybe it’s not your portion, right? Like that’s always an option. Like maybe you’re not in the right place. Maybe you’re not in the right place. Exactly. There are just points where, like, I quit my studies. Like, I knew I wasn’t in the right place. Yeah. No, I didn’t get to a different place. That was my view. But yeah, like, thank you for watching, everybody. Like, I think this was highly personal again. I hope people got something out of this and leave your takeaways and comments in the comment section. See you all next time to be continued. See you guys. See you, everybody.