https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=Wg8V4h25wNM
You want someone, I think, in a relationship that you can spar with. And it’s partly because you have hard problems to solve. And if the person that you’re with isn’t willing to put forward their opinion, then you only have half the cognitive power that you would otherwise have. You know, and hopefully you find someone who’s interestingly different from you, like not so different that you can’t communicate, and you have to be careful of that. But interestingly different, and then hopefully they have the ability and the will to express their opinion. And then, well, then it’s, you know, then your interest stays heightened, and there has to be that tension in a relationship. You know, people think, well, I want to get along perfectly with my partner. It’s like, no, you probably don’t. You just get bored, and then you go looking for trouble. And so you want a little bit of trouble in the relationship, and a little bit of mystery, and a little bit of combativeness, and the ability to exchange opinions forthrightly. And I trust her, which is a huge element. I mean, when we finally did decide to get together permanently, we were both in our later 20s. And, you know, one of the things that I had learned by that point, and insisted to her about was that we had to tell each other the truth. And she took to that wholeheartedly, you know, and for better and for worse, because truths can be harsh. Does that include like, does this outfit make me look like that? Yeah, well, the truthful answer to that is I don’t answer questions that are likely to get me in trouble. Yeah, so. I have a son who will answer honestly, and it’s infuriating, but then I realized if you want the truth, talk to Tamler. Well, that’s the thing, you know, it’s useful to know. Truth is empowering. Truth tellers are charismatic. And, you know, actually both my sons are like brutally honest, which is disconcerting. Yeah. But I can see that it has made them very formidable, and because of the people trust them, and the friendships, and just it gives them a, and you’ve written a lot about this. Well, you know, if I tell my wife that she looks good in an outfit, she knows that I mean it. Yeah. And so there’s some utility in that. And then if you’re silent and say I don’t answer questions, then she goes and she knows it. Well, sometimes, you know, she’ll say, you know, do you like this? And I’ll tell her that I don’t. And, you know, and that doesn’t necessarily make her happy in the moment, but if I do say I like it, she knows that I mean it. And, you know, I actually like her sense of style a lot. So it turns out that 90% of the time, it’s pretty easy for me to say, look, I think you look great, and mean it. And, you know, she’s a fairly harsh standard bearer too. Like she’s insisted that I stay in whatever reasonable physical shape I happen to be in. You know, that was something that she’s very demanding of. And I would say that it’s the same from my side. And we’ve been good at negotiating, which is, you know, what do you want from a partner fundamentally? What do you want and need? I mean, the first thing is that, well, hopefully, like I said, you’re blessed with the fact that you find each other attractive. And I think it’s very difficult for the relationship to begin or proceed or sustain itself without that. But having that, then what do you want? Well, you want someone that you can trust. You want someone that you can build a view of the future with. And you want someone that you can negotiate with. And that’s very hard to negotiate with people because they have to tell you what they think. They have to know what they want or figure it out. They have to tell you what they want. They have to be satisfied when they get what they want, which is also a very difficult thing to manage. And you have to continually update that because your life goes through different stages. And well, your attraction wanes, as we all know, at our stage of life, not fatally necessarily, but for yourself. But no, but you will go. I mean, you will not be 25 forever. So that has to be renegotiated. Yeah, well, and you have to work at that, too. You know, and that’s something that people also don’t understand because they tend to think that, well, that all romantic interactions should be spontaneous. It’s like, well, if that’s your theory, then you might as well just give up right now if you’re going to get married. Because that like the only reason you can think that is because you don’t have enough responsibility to make romantic entanglement virtually impossible. And what happens when you’re married, especially when you have little kids is that and you both have a job, let’s say, is you’re so busy that the probability that you’re going to find time for spontaneous mutual interaction is decreases to zero. And so if that’s what you’re hoping for, then you’re never going to have it. And so what you have to do is you have to make time for each other. And, you know, if you’re dating when you’re establishing a relationship, well, you put some effort into it. You know, you decide that you’re going to go out for dinner and you dress up to some degree and, you know, you try to present yourself to each other in some half ways mutually acceptable manner. And you hope that there’s going to be a positive consequence of that, that you’re going to find each other attractive. But then people somehow think that once they’re married, that the same amount of effort isn’t necessary. And that’s wrong. I would say more effort is necessary on the same front. And you have to think it through. It’s like, you know, if you don’t want to be bitter about the intimate element of your relationship, how much time do you have to spend together each week? And my rule of thumb sort of derived from clinical observations is that you need to spend 90 minutes a week with your partner talking. And that means you’re telling each other about your life and staying in touch, you know, so that you each know what the other is up to. And you’re discussing what needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly. And you’re laying out some mutually acceptable vision of how the next week or the next months are going to go together, right? So that keeps your narratives locked together like the strands in a rope. You need that for 90 minutes or you drift apart. And you need to spend intimate time together at least once a week and probably more like twice. And that has to be negotiated. And if you don’t negotiate it and if you don’t make it a priority, then it won’t happen in all likelihood. And then, well, well, then you don’t have it. And that’s a catastrophe because there’s not that many things in life that are, you know, intrinsically, what would you say, engaging and meaningful and pleasurable and also bonding all of that. And if you let that go, then, well, part of you dies and part of the relationship dies. And well, then there’s always the possibility of becoming attracted by alternative entanglements, which you would do if you had any spirit left, right? I mean, that’s the thing is if, well, if you’re not, if your relationship at home is entirely unsatisfying sexually, what are you supposed to do with that? Nothing? You’re supposed to just bear it? I mean, in one way, the answer is yes, because it’s your marriage. But another way is, well, what, that’s all the fight you’ve got in you? You’re going to just let the erotic element of your life die and accept everything that goes along with that because you’re not willing to cause a bit of trouble to ensure that it’s maintained. And, you know, and we’re not very good at thinking these things through consciously. And I mean, people are bad at negotiating, period, as far as I can tell. They’re particularly bad at negotiating things that are deeply private. How much do you want your partner to know about you anyways? It takes a lot of trust to have a real conversation about what you need and want.