https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=4Lcvnchtt1A
There’s a chapter in my book called, don’t ever, don’t let your children do anything that makes you dislike them. And I’m pretty happy about this chapter, although I suspect it’ll be rather controversial. And you know, it’s predicated first on the observation that many people hurt their children physically and psychologically. You know, because everyone gets sentimental about the relationship between parents and children, but that’s especially in relationship to themselves, because they think, well, you know, of course I’m going to be a good parent. It’s like, it’s not so bloody obvious that you’re going to be a good parent. You know, and so, and then what I see happening with people who don’t know how to discipline their children, is that the children run roughshod over them in their, let’s call them, hierarchical disputes, because children push for position and hierarchy, and they do that behaviorally to sort of feel out the contours of the social structure. So you know, your kid will act perfectly fine at home, let’s say, at the dinner table, but then you take them to a stranger’s dinner table and all of a sudden they act out. And you think, what’s up with you, you little monster? And what’s up is that they’re trying to figure out what the power structure is in the new, they don’t know this, of course, but they’re acting this out. They’re trying to figure out if the same rules apply in this new situation as apply in the old situation. And they can’t ask that, and they don’t even know that they are rules exactly. They’re regularities that they’ve learned. And so they’ll test and test, and then you have to show them that, yeah, it’s the same here. It’s the same in this situation. But lots of parents are very uneasy with disciplining their children, partly because they believe that if you give a child infinite freedom, that’s best for them, and that constraints are inappropriate, which is really just, well, I don’t know what to say about that, except it’s so untrue that it’s very difficult to think of anything that’s more untrue than that. But also the thing is, is if you let your children take advantage of you, if you have an ounce of spine and an ounce of aggression, which you do, especially if you don’t admit it, then you will take revenge on your children. You know, so if they have a temper tantrum in a grocery store and embarrass you, which a child who’s canny can do quite effectively, you know, because you wouldn’t let them have that pack of crayons or a chocolate bar. And then, you know, you tell yourself it’s OK and that you still, you know, that that really didn’t make you that angry and it’s OK, but you’re fuming inside. And then you go home and half an hour later, maybe the child is doing some interesting little bit of work, maybe artwork or something, or does something good and comes up for a reward. It’s like the probability that you’re going to reward that child properly under those circumstances is zero. You’re going to take the opportunity to take your revenge. And if you don’t know that, then you’re not much of a parent. And so part of the trick with kids is that if your child is doing something that makes you dislike them, that you have to figure out how to stop them from doing that and teach them how to do it properly. You have to talk to your wife to make sure that you’re not being too much of a monster, you know, and the same with her. But that that discipline is partly what enables you to continue to like your child while you love them. And even more than that, you know, parents talk about fostering self-esteem and fostering creativity and all of that in their kids. And I think that’s misbegotten. It’s shallow for a variety of reasons. First, it’s not that easy to foster creativity because it’s rare and self-esteem is a very badly defined concept. And mostly it’s been used for harm, not good. What your job is as a parent is to help your child learn from between two years old and, say, four years old, how to act in the world so that when people encounter them, people smile and are happy they’re around. Because then, you know, I’ve seen kids who behave badly and everywhere they go, people wear false smiles and everywhere they go, people are relieved when they leave. And that means you think about that world from the child’s perspective. Everyone’s lying and everyone hates them. That’s their world. And then if you have your child, you know, capable of adhering to minimal social requirements, like maybe being able to sit at the table in a civilized manner for an hour and being grateful for being fed, let’s say, and knowing how to share and knowing how to pay attention to adults and not having that. You know, that kind of terrible cynicism and arrogance that can develop even in a four year old child who’s always had his way. Then they’ll interact with adults in a manner that bring out the best in the adults. And everywhere they go, everyone smiles at them and pats them on the head, maybe even tells them useful and interesting things. And so the whole world opens up for them. And that’s all a consequence of you having enough courage to admit to yourself that your child can do things that you don’t like and that you will take it out on them if you don’t straighten it out. And people don’t like that idea because they think, well, I’d never do anything. You know, I love my child. I’d never do anything to hurt them. It’s like, yeah, God, right. You know, you’re so you’re so asleep if you think that that that there’s almost no hope for you. You have to think I’m way bigger than this child and I’m way meaner and I’m way trickier and I’m way more unpredictable. And so I better be very careful in my relationships with this child so that the worst of me doesn’t come out. And then that gives you enough intelligence to make a disciplinary framework that’s minimal and enforce it properly and carefully. And then you can have an unbelievably good relationship with your kids.