https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=pntcdZM7QdA
Look, you’re trying to bring out the best in your child, right? Isn’t that what you would do if you love them? Yes, so you’re you have to be disappointed if they’re not living up to who they could be And how are they going to be secure if that doesn’t happen because they’re going to think just what you thought is like, oh well, I Really, you know was lazing around like a useless bastard and that’s okay How does that make you feel? Everything you do is okay. Oh my god. It’s like you might as well just hang yourself right then and there If everything you do is okay No, I mean no matter no matter what you do. No matter how despicable no matter how underhanded or deceitful. That’s okay It’s like no, it’s not you just that’s that is not how you make a child feel secure. That’s a lie Yeah, it is being truthful. You’re not being truthful. So maybe there’s truth. Maybe there’s confidence with truth I have I have a friend who’s uh, uh, like kind of québécois We don’t even know what the fuck this kid is like he kind of had an accent when he spoke english But he like lived in america like his whole life was very weird, but he’s one of our best friends lorant He says he’s from france, but canada who the fuck cares But uh, this guy was so honest with us and we just assumed it was because he was european Like we just grew up in new york. We never heard anybody just be that honest Like we’ve you know, what do you think of the pants and he’d be like, ah, they just don’t fit you You’re too fat for the pants and we’re like, are you like are you being serious? You’re joking around whatever But i’ll tell you something whenever that guy says something complimentary. I believe it more. Yeah. Yeah Well, that’s that you know, that’s that’s definitely worth thinking about too It’s like are we willing to pay the price? For our words to be valuable now there you could put that on a t-shirt and print it. Mm That’s a great phrase Because the price is you don’t want to debase the currency. That’s the problem with every child wins a trophy day Yes, it’s like, you know if if everything is valuable then everything is of equal value and that equal value is zero Because yes, you can’t everything can’t be valuable. It isn’t possible. Nothing is valuable when everything is valuable There has to be a differential there has to be judgment There has to be hierarchy all of that that people are upset about it’s like wait a minute Do you not want some things to be better than others? Wait a second. Are you sure about that? You don’t want to be better tomorrow than you are today And that means you’re you know, that means you judge yourself one of the things I learned from carl young It was so brilliant. One of the things he he wrote in one of his books Um, it was about christ coming back in revelation He was trying to explain why the book of revelation was appended on to the end of the bible because it’s such a strange hallucinogenic trip and it’s an extremely bizarre book in any case christ comes back as a judge and most People are damned and some are saved well Christ is an ideal so in the gospel. He’s mostly merciful, but an ideal is a judge Well, why well because you don’t live you haven’t lived up to the ideal, of course It’s a judge. You can’t have an ideal without it being a judge And so then let’s say there’s the ultimate ideal, right? the ultimate Let’s imagine there’s the ultimate you you could be You kind of have glimmerings of that because you know when you’re acting that way and you know when you’re not so Well, that’s also your ultimate judge and how could it be otherwise? Because every time you’re not that you’re going to feel guilty and ashamed. Yes, and you might say well I’d like to dispense with all of that because who wants to feel guilty and ashamed and fair enough man But are you going to sacrifice the ideal so that you don’t feel guilty and ashamed? Then then what do you do? Then you have nothing you just sit there because everything’s okay. Yeah. Well, no No Yeah, no, and I think it’s better to love people for who they could be I think so It’s it’s better to love people for who they could be in other words, you know You know the moral shortcomings of your friend, but you are going to love him for who he can be Well, I mean when you look it’s complicated, right? Because you love people and they have their shortcomings and their vulnerabilities and you have to take that as a package But look if you’re someone’s friend if you’re really someone’s friend And they betray themselves You’re you’re unhappy with them for doing that because they’ve sacrificed their better self for their lower self And if you’re a real friend, you don’t that doesn’t sit well with you so I don’t know to what degree we love each other because we see the ideal in Someone else and they’re trying to encourage that for but I know in my clinical practice, you know there’s a psychologist carl rogers a famous psychologist and he he Propounded this theory of unconditional positive regard that you should have that with your clients unconditional positive regard And I thought through that a lot. I thought no that isn’t right. I get what he was doing I’m a great admirer of carl rogers and his work taught me a lot but My sense in therapy was the best in me is serving the best in you Yeah, yeah and so what i’m going to help you do is Separate the wheat from the chaff, you know, you and I will both decide what ideal we’re pursuing in relationship to your life I don’t want to impose that on you It has to be a consequence of dialogue because I don’t know you and you’re a particular person and your direction is Your particular direction. It can’t be mine. That would be wrong But once we’ve established your direction and your ideal then part of what we’re doing in dialogue is to separate out What is unworthy of that in you and I I? I can’t see how you can’t how you don’t do that with your friends and with the people that you love You have to but it’s hard because you love them and you know that the things you say could hurt them And the last thing you want to do is hurt the people you love And so sometimes you put a band-aid on these cuts with like a baby lie And it’s selfish if you really want to help that person you would tell them the fucking truth you deal with that discomfort They would deal with the discomfort and then they’d get better and then you guys would be better Yeah Or you get or you get sophisticated enough in your in your ability to do that so that you you can serve Both the masters we talked about at the same time you can tell the truth But you don’t do it in a way that’s damaging that yeah, I mean that’s hard Let’s not make any mistake about it. It’s this is very very difficult. That’s a tightrope I do think like I thought a lot about friendship and about about you know If something good happens to you and you have a friend you can go tell them and they’re happy for you And that’s because they want things to be better for you, right? They’re not jealous. They’re not upset about it. Yeah And I do think that we see we see The we see the ideal in people that we love and we try to call that forward I believe that to be the case. I think that’s right Yeah I now you got me thinking about like friends and I’m trying to understand like when I know that I really like love somebody as a friend and uh there’s like a weird protective instinct that kicks in where I have this like This not vision but like, you know when you have this like imaginary play that’s going on in your head The scenario has never worked out oftentimes it happens, you know after an act, right? like what I would have said to that guy who embarrassed me or something like that, but like I’ll have this little play in my head where somebody does something to that person that I love and then I inflict some sort of pain on that person to to demonstrate to the person I love That nobody can do anything to them without me doing something and i’m looking at this I’m like it’s kind of like barbaric that I gotta like beat somebody up to prove that I love somebody But I wonder if that’s like instilled in our dna. It’s like the people that become part of our tribe We want them to know that they’re safe that they’re protected And that safety and that protection You know, I think that all that’s look I think that’s that’s part of That’s part of the hero myth as far as i’m concerned is to protect your territory against the barbarian interloper, right? Evil barbarian interloper and there is something about that that could go terribly wrong obviously But there is something that’s noble and heroic about it A lot of that that instinct has to be transmuted up into the religious domain. I think essentially so what does that mean? Well, because you do want to protect the people that you love But it isn’t precisely that you want to protect them against the bad person who might come along It’s that you want to protect them from malevolence itself You