https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=vriJ_GAeSTk
So one of the things that, as a therapist, it’s very easy to steal your client’s success and to slough off their risk. So for example, if you come to me and say, well, do you have some advice on the career front? And I say, well, this is what I think you should do and this is how I think you should do it. And you go out and you do it. It’s not obvious at all whose victory that is. And then if you go out and fail, well, I failed as a therapist, but not as much as you failed. So it’s like your skin is really a mess. I’m going to claim the victories and… Let’s slough off the failures, yeah. Well, this is why, by the way, we don’t ever talk about the success of our graduates because it’s their success. We just want to hear us talk about that. I mean, we just don’t… It’s their success, not ours to claim. And it also brings up the hardest thing we have. It’s not the young people, it’s the parents. And I asked our son the other day, a good friend was working on something about fatherhood, And I asked our youngest son, Sam, this whole fatherhood thing, you would understand it better than I have because you’re the customer, right? You’re the person. So what advice would you give my friend about fatherhood? And he said, you know, when you’re younger, you just want your parents around and to pay attention to you. Not coddle you, not, but just to be there. And he said, but once you get into kind of middle school, you’re really around your peers And your parents, their job then is to be a good role model. And he said, and this is what chilled me. He said, so to be a good father, all you can do is work on yourself. And that’s why it’s so hard. And I stopped and I went, oh my gosh, have I worked on myself? And it was just like this, from a 19 year old, it’s like, as a father, I need to love my child and work on myself. And that’s the way the child will be healthy. The reason that when we have a problem, it’s generally the parent over parenting or wanting to intervene for the child. And they’re prohibited by contract from doing that. They sign a contract, says, I won’t do that. And then they’ll do it anyway. Right, right. And so it’s very hard for parents to let go of that. It is hard. That’s their habit. It is hard. I mean, and there is a narcissism in that too, because then the parent gets to take credit for the child’s success and to trumpet that. And that’s that whole edible mother nightmare that Freud outlined so brilliantly so long ago. With profiling, surveillance and data harvesting, there are lots of things not to like about tech giants. But what can you actually do about it when you rely on so many of their products? Well, the good news is it doesn’t take much for you to take a stand. For less than $7 per month, you can join me and fight back against big tech by using ExpressVPN. 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It’s like and it’s it’s hard if you’re a caregiver, you know, again to give the devil is due. Yeah. And I think it’s probably harder for women because they have to give their all to their infants in a self-sacrificing manner. Yes. Because infants require full dedicated, this isn’t about me care. The problem is, so the psychoanalyst said the good mother necessarily fails. And what they meant by that was the woman is faced with this terrible necessity of dispensing with that full fledged maternal care incrementally and letting the child, facilitating the child’s movement forward. And I think it’s very useful for a woman to have her masculine side developed for that or to have more likely to have a male partner around who’s more oriented towards encouragement than, let’s say that intense maternal care. But it’s definitely the case that you want to foster in your children and in the people you’re mentoring that ability to do things on their own. There’s a rule of thumb for care of elderly people. It’s a very good one. Never do anything for the person you’re caring for. They can do themselves. Right. And that’s a that’s that’s a tough one. Because you want them to keep doing everything they can. Yeah, you don’t want well, and you want them to retain their dignity and you don’t want to steal from them what responsibility they have left. And you want to encourage their autonomy. If for no other reason, then then you’re not going to be overburdened with having to do everything right. Right. So and that well, OK, so let’s have two questions here. One is how do you develop that community ethos that orients the entire community to regulate the the behavior of the members in a positive manner? How do you how do you how do you how do you bring that about? You’re continuing to play game after game after game with different kinds of motivational systems. So sometimes it’s the hero’s journey and more of a Maslow’s hierarchy kind of feeling or young and feeling. Sometimes it’s being rewarded with extrinsic rewards. Sometimes those are squad based. Sometimes they’re individual. Sometimes the whole studio. Sometimes they’re all you’re just playing game after game after game. So it’s an aggregation of playable game. It’s a lot of experiments going on within a rubric that is rewarding this feedback and collapses. And then part of it is it’s hard because the studio will completely collapse. And as an adult, you want to step in and fix it. Right. And so we say, OK, step back. Take a deep breath. Leave it alone. They collapse in what way? What have you? There’s two clicks and they’re arguing about something and the civility is broken down and social fragmentation. Or excellence. The people have kind of gotten blase about excellence or I saw something interesting in our high school in our launch pad. They had built such a complex, cool society that the and you know this from having run companies. If you’re not careful, you build up so many rules that your company becomes a bureaucracy. So they were getting to that stage. It was a beautiful society. And they looked at it and they said, we’re going to do away with all but three rules. And if we want to put a rule back, the first thing we’re going to do is ask the person the rules being instituted for, why do you not want to be here? Because you know. Right. So we’re not going to put a rule for the edge case. We’re going to deal with the individual and try to listen to them and maybe they need to leave for a while or maybe we need to help them or and so you just see these complex set and simple and complex set of experiments and they’re learning by doing and watching. And so when you either get a tyrannical situation or a Lord of the Flies going on, you step back once and then it always gets worse. You step back again. And here’s the magic that happens. At that point, three or four of the sheepdogs, we call them because they’re the ones that get the wolves, will come to you and say, we don’t want to live like this anymore. And then you say, Socratically, well, do you think you would like to try a pure democracy or a democratic republic? They might not even know at age eight what that is, but they have the internet, they can go figure it out. And they’ll come back and have a town council meeting and vote on a new structure.