https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=aezvX19vUOw
There’s three steps in that, from five to seven, there’s like three steps that happen. Because the way my mom did it is, she escaped my father by sending me, I don’t know how she actually got rid of him, because we went to Oregon. She sent me and my brother to Oregon for a year. Just by ourselves, just flew us out to Oregon to go live with grandparents. With grand, oh, and did you have a relationship with your grandparents? With my grandmother, yes, but that was one of the most toxic times of my life in that year of Oregon. Because that sent me out to go live with my pedophile rapist uncle. That’s right during that time. So there was no escape during that period. And that’s when I figured out that that trauma hill is huge in my family. There’s a large mountain of abuse. My grandfather, his name is H.L., because that’s the only two letters that his mom knew how to write when he was born, because she gave birth at 13 in the Ozarks. That trauma hill is big. So it wasn’t positive at all. So when we finally came back from that after a year of that, my mom brought us back, and she had got with my stepdad. And my stepdad was a smooth talking. Did she divorce your father? I think, I don’t know. I think she did. But she’s with another guy, this is now your stepdad. Yep, yep. And so he is a smooth talking criminal. He is a manipulating, lying, smooth talking, can sell an ice to an Eskimo kind of guy. He’s the kind of guy that will lie and steal every day all the time. Right, right. But also gets heavily involved into drinking. When I met him, he was in prison for strong-ground robbery. He spent four years in prison for strong-ground robbery. He would steal entire delivery trucks that were going to grocery stores and take all the stuff and go sell it at the flea market. So why do you think your mother picked him, and do you know how they met? I mean, she’s already hanging around in the dark side of the planet. So I imagine she had the opportunity to run into people like him. I think they met at a bar, and I think when they met at a bar, he heard about my father and was like, oh yeah, I’ll keep him away. And it started as a protective thing. I see, so she found one monster to keep another one at bay. Yep. Aha, do you think that he was a project for her or an adventure? No, no. No, you think the protection thing was genuine? I think the protection thing was genuine at first, and then it turned into a trauma bond from all the drugs. So he might have, you said he was a narcissistic manipulator. He offered her an escape that was false. Yes, yes. Right, and okay, and she stayed with him for how long? Until he died. He died in 2017 in the most, 16 or 17, in the most fitting way possible. That drunken, drugged out violence never stopped in my family, and they were having an argument while they were high and drunk, and he went to the bathroom, had nanurysm, collapsed on the floor and crapped all over himself, laid there for three hours while she screamed at him from living how worthless he was. I really can’t think of a more fitting way for the guy to end. That’s… Why did she stay with him? Why did she stay with him? Yeah, did you think she thought she could reveal? She had severe lack of self-respect and sense of self-accomplishment. She didn’t think she could do it. She didn’t think she could survive without him. She thought that she was broken and couldn’t do anything without him. And he, over the years, had kind of built that into her. Right, right, I see. And she just thought that he was indispensable and she couldn’t do anything without him. And so we tried. So she had any relations? Me and my brother tried to have interventions. I personally had an intervention with him. By the age of 14, 15 years old, I’m big in beating him up now. Because like I said, I was gone from home, I was living on the streets, but I was home occasionally because I had to come home to recharge. Okay, so when were you with your grandparents? 13? That was, no, I was with my grandparents from five to six. Oh, so okay, five to six. And then, so birth to five father, one year with my grandfather, and then back home with my stepdad. With your stepdad. And then it was my stepdad on. And when did you get big? 13 years old. Oh, how big? Six foot, 280 pounds. Oh yeah, oh yeah, so that was handy. I got big fast. Right, right. But I was also quiet, shy, and sensitive. I didn’t know how to use it at the time. So I got picked on constantly. I used to go to school and get bullied all the time. I would get beaten at school, come home with bruises all over me, and I never defended myself. I would never stand up for myself. Why didn’t you defend yourself? I don’t know. I started defending myself one day when I snapped. And a kid had slammed my head into a locker and I picked him up and kind of ragdolled him and slammed him a bunch of times. And I noticed that when I did that, after that, for the next four or five months I was at the school, I didn’t have anybody by my side. Right, right, right. So that was the first time you realized that, eh? Why do you think it happened then and hadn’t happened before, despite the fact that you were bullied? I don’t know. I don’t know. I think it might have been because the chaos at home was really starting to spin up. That’s right, about the same time that- Hit your limit. You know, have you ever read about people going berserk? Some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it often happens to people who are in a very chaotic environment, who are being abused continually, and they hit their threshold, and it’s something like a last ditch do or die response. It’s like, well, I’ve tried to retreat, that’s not working, I’m cornered, I’ve got nothing to lose. It’s a very dangerous position to put someone in. And that’s where I ended up being at the end of the story. Yeah, I bet, I bet. Okay, so at 13, you’re fairly large, and you learned one day at school that if you- So that happened when I was about eight or nine, when I ragdolled that kid, I was still pretty big. I was by that, that was when I was about five and a half foot tall and still pretty large, I was growing into my body at that point. Right, so that’s pretty tall for eight, big for eight. But that was when I first figured out that if I lashed out, the people would leave me alone. I also right around that same time figured out that one of the first things, I would kind of do the reverse of what people talk about when they’re going to prison. You know when they talk about going to prison, they’re saying they’re going up to the biggest guy, try to fight him, and then establish a role in the dark? I would kind of do the opposite. I go up to the biggest, the most popular kid, and then insult myself to him. And then? And make fun of myself to that kid. And kind of like establish the pecking order immediately. Like I go find the biggest, whoever the ringleader is. You did it with humor. Yeah, well kind of, self-deprecating humor that nobody else found funny but me. That kind of insulting kind of like. I see, so you got the pecking order problem over with as fast as you possibly could. And you were willing at that point to accept a relatively low social position. I knew I was. By that point I had internalized that I was the low social. I see, I see. So you thought you might as well just get it over with quickly. Yeah, yeah. I’m going to end up. Well then you don’t have the conflict. Yeah, exactly. The sooner I can resolve it, the less fights I make. Right, right, right, definitely. The less bullying I’m going to go through. If I can establish myself right there and make it. And if I can do that and make fun of myself, I’m not an appealing target. Because bullies only want to go after you if you get a response out of you and they make you cry. So did that generally mean that you were left alone even though you were a low man on the totem pool? Kind of, but it was more left alone at a stabilized level of ridicule. Okay. Like left alone down here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like it’s not left alone entirely like hands off, he’s okay, we can’t make fun of him anymore. Right. It’s like we’re going to make him fun of him right here. But we’re not going to pick on him down there because he’s not going to cry. There’s no fun in that. Right. So it’s predictable low status. Predictable low status. Yeah, that’s a good one. Well, you see this, you see that in primate social troops too, is that sometimes, this is one indication of that, is sometimes if an interloper comes in who could disrupt the whole hierarchy, you might think that that would be useful for the lower ranking primates because they would have an opportunity to move up, but they’ll generally resist the interloper too because the cost of social transition, the conflict that goes along with social transition, the cost of that can be so high that they would rather settle for the stable low status than the unpredictable transition. Yes, that’s a precise, that’s a very apt description of what was going on with that. I would rather just be what I think I am. I’m the worthless one. I’m the one you’re going to make fun of anyway. I’m the fat, smelly one. Let’s get this out of the way.