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Hi everyone, I’m pleased to announce the release of my new book Beyond Order 12 more rules for life I’ve been thinking for quite a while about what I would do to announce this book and what popped into my mind Constantly was that I should start the announcement with a thank you to all my viewers listeners and readers for the tremendous support that you’ve shown to my work in all of its forms and for the multitude of kind and thoughtful and often erudite and moving letters that you’ve sent to me and to my family and comments that you’ve left on YouTube and other forms of social media. I’ve been constantly amazed and I mean constantly and I mean amazed by the volume of correspondence that has come my way and by the continual support I’ve received from so many people and so I’m pleased to have been of use I’m pleased that people found my last book 12 rules for life helpful and engaging and I hope very much that the same thing will prove true of this new book I’m going to read the 12 rules from this book and then I’m going to read some excerpts from it so that you can get a sense of the book These 12 rules like the 12 rules in the previous book were drawn from a longer list of 42 that I published on Quora rule one Do not carelessly denigrate social institutions or creative achievement Rule two Imagine who you could be and then aim single-mindedly at that rule three Do not hide unwanted things in the fog Rule four notice that opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated Rule five do not do what you hate Rule six abandon ideology Rule seven work as hard as you possibly can on at least one thing And see what happens Rule eight perhaps my favorite Try to make one room in your home as beautiful as possible Rule nine if old memories still upset you write them down carefully and completely Rule ten plan and work diligently to maintain the romance in your relationship Rule 11 Do not allow yourself to become resentful Deceitful or arrogant and rule 12 Be grateful in spite of your suffering each of these rules is Accompanied by an illustration as in the case of my previous book this time the illustrator is Julia Fogra and she’s done. I think a lovely job. We held a competition for the illustrations and she her work was at least in my opinion the best of the bunch and she’s produced these lovely artworks that have a classical fairy tale appeal and so I think they add a Bit of beauty to the book. So I’m gonna read a couple of sections now The first reading is from rule three and To remind you rule three is do not hide unwanted things in the fog and this is from a subsection entitled What is the fog? Imagine that you are afraid You have reason to be you’re afraid of yourself You’re afraid of other people you’re afraid of the world You are nostalgic for the innocence of the past For the time before you learned the terrible things that shattered the trust Characterizing your childhood the knowledge you have gained of yourself other people in the world has embittered more than enlightened you’ve been betrayed hurt and disappointed you’ve become distrustful even of hope itself as your hope has been repeatedly shattered and That is the very definition of hopelessness The last thing you want to know is more Better to leave what is enshrouded in mystery better as well to avoid thinking too much or at all About what could be? When ignorance is bliss after all it is folly to be wise Imagine more precisely that you are so afraid that you will not allow yourself even to know What you want? Knowing would simultaneously mean hoping and your hopes have been dashed You have your reasons for maintaining your ignorance You’re afraid perhaps that there is nothing worth wanting you’re afraid that if you specify what you want You’re afraid that if you specify what you want precisely you will simultaneously Discover and and all too clearly what constitutes failure you are afraid that failure is the most likely outcome and Finally you are afraid that if you define failure and then fail you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was you That failed and that it was your fault So you do not allow yourself to know what you want You manage this by refusing to think it through You were happy satisfied and engaged sometimes and unhappy frustrated and Nihilistic other times, but you will not inquire deeply into why Because then you would know and then you would encounter yet again shattered hope and confirmed disappointment You are also afraid but for different reasons to allow others to know what you want First if they were to find out just what you wanted then they might tell you and then you would know Even if you were fighting against gathering that very knowledge second if they knew They could then deny you what you truly wanted even needed and hurt you much more efficiently than they might if your deepest desires and Therefore your vulnerabilities remain secret The fog that hides is the refusal to notice to attend to emotions and motivational states as they arise and the refusal to communicate them both to yourself and to the people who are close to you a bad mood signifies something a state of anxiety or sadness Signifies something and not likely something that will please you to discover The most probable outcome of successfully articulating an emotion that has accrued without expression over time is tears and admission of vulnerability and pain Which are also feelings that people do not like to allow particularly when they are feeling distrustful and angry who wants to dig down into the depths of pain and grief and guilt until the tears emerge and And voluntary refusal to take notice of our emotional states is not the only impediment to dealing with them if Your wife or husband or whomever else you were tangled up with Unhappily at the moment says something that comes too close to the painful truth For example, then a sharp and insulting remark will often shut them up and is therefore very likely to be offered This is partly a test Does the person being insulted care enough about you and your suffering to dig past a few obstacles and unearth the bitter truth It is also partly and more obviously defensive if you can chase someone away from something you yourself Do not want to discover that makes your life easier in the present Sadly it is also very disappointing if that defense succeeds and is typically accompanied by a sense of abandonment loneliness and self-betrayal You must nonetheless still live among other people and they with you and you have desires wants needs and however unstated and unclear and You are still motivated to pursue them not least because it is impossible to live without desire Want and need Your strategy under such conditions Show your disappointment when someone close to you makes you unhappy Allow yourself the luxury and pleasure of resentment when something does not go your way Ensure that the person who has transgressed against you is frozen out by your disapproval Force them to discover with as much difficulty as possible exactly what is happening Difficulty as possible exactly what they have done to disappoint you and finally Let them grope around blindly in the fog that you have generated around yourself until they stumble into and injure themselves on the sharp hidden edges of your unrevealed preferences and dreams and Maybe these responses are tests to tests deeply associated with the lack of courage to trust if You really loved me you would brave the terrible landscape that I have arrayed around myself to discover the real me and Perhaps there is even something to such claims implicit though they may be a certain testing of commitment might have its utility Everything does not have to be given away for free, but even a little unnecessary mystery goes a long way And you must still live with yourself in the short term Perhaps you are protected from the revelation of your insufficiency by your refusal to make yourself clear Every ideal is a judge after all the judge who says you are not manifesting your true potential No ideals No judge, but the price paid for that is purposelessness This is a high price no purpose Then no positive emotion as most of what drives us forward with hope intact is the experience of approaching something we deeply need and want and worse when we are without purpose chronic overwhelming anxiety as focused purpose constrains what is otherwise likely to be the intolerable chaos of unexploited possibility and too much choice If you make what you want clear and commit yourself to its pursuit You may fail But if you do not make what you want clear, then you will certainly fail You cannot hit a target that you refuse to see You cannot hit a target if you do not take aim and Equally dangerously in both cases. You will not accrue the advantage of aiming but missing You will not benefit from the learning that inevitably takes place when things do not go your way Success at a given endeavor often means trying falling short Re-calibrating with the new knowledge generated painfully by the failure and then trying again and falling short often repeated ad nauseum Sometimes all that learning Impossible without the failure leads you to see that aiming your ambition in a different direction would be better Not because it is easier not because you have given up not because you are avoiding But because you have learned through the vicissitudes of your experience that what you seek is not to be found Where you were looking or is simply not attainable in the manner by which you chose to pursue it So what might you do what should you do? As an alternative to hiding things in the fog Admit to your feelings This is a very tricky matter and it does not simply mean give in to them First noting much less communicating feelings of petty anger or pain due to lonesomeness or Anxiety about something that might be trivial or jealousy that is likely unwarranted is embarrassing The admission of such feelings is a revelation of ignorance insufficiency and vulnerability Second it is unsettling to allow for the possibility that your feelings however Overwhelming and convincing might be misplaced and in your ignorance pointing you in the wrong direction It is possible that you have misinterpreted the situation entirely for reasons of which you remain fundamentally unconscious It is for such reasons that trust is vital but trust of the mature and tragic sort a Naive person trusts because he or she believes that people are essentially or even universally trustworthy But any person who has truly lived has been or has betrayed Someone with experience knows that people are capable of deception and willing to deceive That knowledge brings with it an arguably justified Pessimism about human nature personal and otherwise, but it also opens the door to another kind of faith in humanity one based on courage rather than naivete I Will trust you I will extend my hand to you despite the risk of betrayal Because it is possible through trust to bring out the best in you and perhaps in me So I will accept substantial risk to open the door to cooperation and negotiation and Even if you do betray me in a not too unforgivable manner Assuming a certain degree shall we say of genuine apology and contrition on your part? I will continue to extend my hand and part of the way I will do that is by telling you what I am feeling a Certain necessary humility must accompany such raw revelations I Should not say at least not ideally you have been ignoring me lately I should say instead I feel isolated and lonely and hurt and cannot help but feel that You have not been as attentive to me over the last few months as I would have liked Or that might have been best for us as a couple But I’m unsure if I am just imagining all this because I’m upset or if I’m genuinely seeing what’s going on The latter statement gets the point across but avoids the accusatory stance that so often serves as a first defense against a serious get to the bottom of things Conversation and it’s very possible that you are wrong about just what it is that is causing you to feel the way you do If you are you need to know it because there’s no point in propagating errors that are causing you and others pain and interfering with your future Best to find out what is true best to disperse the fog and find out if the sharp objects you feared We’re lurking there are real or fantastical And there is always the danger that some of them are real But it is better to see them than to keep them occluded by the fog Because you can at least sometimes avoid the danger that you are willing to see This is an excerpt from rule 8 try to make one room in your home as beautiful as possible It’s from a subsection entitled memory and vision The pride of the peacock is the glory of God The lust of the goat is the bounty of God the wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God The nakedness of woman is the work of God Excessive sorrow laughs excessive joy weeps The roaring of lions the howling of wolves the raging of the stormy sea and the destructive sword are portions of eternity Too great for the eye of man William Blake from Proverbs of hell the marriage of heaven and hell When I was a child, I knew the contours and details of all the houses in my immediate neighborhood I knew the back alleys the places behind the fences the location of each crack in the pavement And the shortcuts that could be taken from one place to another My geographical locale was not large, but I had explored it thoroughly and my knowledge of it was very detailed now That I am an adult the same is not true I lived in Fairview the town I grew up in for most of my childhood and adolescence for only nine years But I’m still able to picture in high resolution the street. I lived on I Have lived in Toronto on the same street I have lived in Toronto on the same street for more than twice that long But I still have only a vague sense of the houses that surround me. I Do not think that is a good thing. I Feel far less at home because of it It is as if when I walk down the street and glance at a local house I think house as an icon because really what practical difference does it make to me? what particularities Characterize each house and then my attention is turned to something else I do not see the house with its specific shingles colors flowers and architectural details Despite the interest that might have been elicited in me had I paid careful attention By this point in my life I have seen so many houses in so many places That I know what a house is likely to do when I walk by Which is very little Thus I ignore the engaging idiosyncrasies and beauties of its details It’s unique character for better or worse and see just enough to stay oriented as I walk past and Continue to think and be elsewhere as I do so There is real loss in that I am simply not there in my adult neighborhood The same way I was as a child in my hometown I’m separated from the reality of the world and a very deep sense of Belonging is missing in some important way because of that Perception has been replaced for me with functional pragmatic Memory This has made me more efficient in some ways, but the cost is an impoverished experience of the richness of the world I remember when I started working as a junior professor in Boston when my kids were about two and three years old I was very preoccupied with my work trying to keep up trying to advance my career Trying to make enough money to support my family on a single income I would come home and take a walk with Tammy and our children Michaela and Julian. I Found it very difficult to remain patient with them I had too much work to do always or believed I did and had disciplined myself through years of effort to focus continually on that If we went for a walk, I wanted to know exactly where we were going Just how long it would take to get there and precisely when we were going to get back This is no attitude to adopt when trying to have a pleasant and reasonable time With toddlers not if you want to immerse yourself in the experience Not if you want to watch and participate in the pleasure they take in their timeless discovery Not unless you want to risk missing something of crucial import It was very difficult for me to relax and focus on the present and watch my little kids pursue Their meandering route through the neighborhood with no particular destination purpose or schedule in mind Gauging themselves deeply in an encounter with a local dog bug or earthworm or in some game they invented on the way Now and then however, I could still get to know my family I could snap briefly into that same frame of reference That is one of the wonderful gifts provided by young children And see the pristine world they inhabited still untrammeled by practiced and effective memory Capable of producing pure joy in the newness of everything But I was still possessed enough by my future concerns to be involuntarily pulled back into intense Preoccupation with getting the next thing done I knew perfectly well I was missing out on beauty and meaning and engagement Regardless of whatever advantages and efficiency my impatience bought I was narrow sharp and focused and did not waste time But the price I paid for that was the blindness demanded by efficiency accomplishment and order I was no longer seeing the world and was only seeing the little I needed to navigate it with maximum speed and lowest cost None of that was surprising I had the responsibilities of an adult I had a demanding job I had to take care of my family and that meant sacrificing the present and attending to the future But having little children around and noticing the world was a great experience But having little children around and noticing their intense preoccupation with the present And their fascination with what was directly around them made me very conscious of the loss that accompanied maturity Great poets are expressly aware of this and they do what they can to remind the rest of us There was a time when meadow, grove and stream, the earth and every common sight to me did seem apparelled in celestial light The glory and the freshness of a dream It is not now as it hath been of yore, turn wheresoever I may by night or day The things which I have seen I now can see no more Ye blessed creatures, I have heard the call ye to each other make I see the heavens laugh with you in your jubilee My heart is at your festival, my head hath its coronal The fullness of your bliss I feel, I feel it all Oh evil day, if I were sullen while earth herself is adorning this sweet may morning And the children are culling on every side in a thousand valleys far and wide fresh flowers While the sun shines warm and the babe leaps up on his mother’s arm I hear, I hear, with joy I hear, but there is a tree of many, one, a single field which I have looked upon Both of them speak of something that is gone The pansy at my feet, doth the same tale repeat Wither is fled the visionary cleam Wither is fled the visionary cleam Where is it now, the glory and the dream? William Wordsworth owed intimations of immortality from recollections of early childhood Some in fact never lose the glorious vision of childhood This is particularly true of artists, and indeed seems a vital part of what makes them artists William Blake, the English painter, printmaker and poet, appears to have been one such person He inhabited a uniquely visionary world Blake perceived something closer to what the philosopher Immanuel Kant termed the thing in itself Then do most mortals, left as we are with the pale reflection of our surroundings That our increasingly restricted, mature perceptions deliver to us Blake was also exquisitely sensitive to the metaphoric or dramatic significance of each apparently isolated event The manner in which each event is rife with endless poetically echoing connotations Every farmer understands, every tear from every eye becomes a babe in eternity This is caught by females bright and returned to its own delight The bleak, the bark, bellow and roar are waves that beat on heaven’s shore The babe that weeps the rod beneath writes revenge in realms of death The beggar’s rags fluttering in air does to rags the heavens tear The soldier armed with sword and gun palsied strikes the summer’s sun The poor man’s farthing is worth more than all the gold on Africa’s shore One mite wrung from the labourer’s hands shall buy and sell the miser’s lands Or if protected from on high, does that whole nation sell and buy? He who mocks the infant’s faith shall be mocked in age and death He who shall teach the child to doubt the rotting grave shall never get out He who respects the infant’s faith triumphs over hell and death William Blake, Auguries of Innocence, line 67 to 90 The vision of a true artist such as Blake is truly too much Because what is beyond our memory-restricted perceptions is too much It is the unfathomable totality of the world, past, present and future bound up together Every level connected to every other level, nothing existing in isolation Everything implying something vital but beyond our comprehension And all of it speaking of the overwhelming mystery of being The visionary concentrates on something we all see hypothetically A vase of flowers, perhaps, in all its complexity and beauty Each bloom springing forth out of nothingness before its dissolution and return A haystack in the spring and its appearance in the summer, autumn and winter Observing and portraying the absolute mystery of its existence With its different shades of light and colour As well as the underlying commonality of form Which we can easily confuse with the full and incomprehensible actuality of what is there How do you know? But every bird that cuts the airy way is an immense world of delight Closed by your senses five William Blake, From a Memorable Fancy, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell To perceive Van Gogh’s painting, Irises, from which the illustration that begins this chapter is derived Is, for example, to gaze through a window back into the eternity that our perceptions once revealed So that we can remember how awe-inspiring and miraculous the world really is Under the mundane familiarity to which we have reduced it To share in the artist’s perception reunites us with the source of inspiration That can rekindle our delight in the world Even if the drudgery and repetition of daily life has reduced what we see to the narrowest and most pragmatic of visions But for those first affections, those shadowy recollections Which, be they what they may, are yet the fountain-light of all our day Are yet a master-light of all our seeing Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make our noisy years See moments in the being of the eternal silence Truths that wake to perish never Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavour, nor man, nor boy Nor all that is at enmity with joy can utterly abolish or destroy William Wordsworth, owed intimations of immortality from recollections of early childhood All of this is very frightening It is frightening to perceive the shells of ourselves that we have become It is frightening to glimpse even for a moment the transcendent reality That exists beyond We think we border our great paintings with luxurious, elaborate frames to glorify them But we do it at least as much to insist to ourselves that the glory of the painting itself ends at the frame That bounding, that bordering, leaves the world we are familiar with comfortably intact and unchanged We do not want that beauty reaching out past the limitations imposed on it And disturbing everything that is familiar We do the same with museums, those asylums for genius We isolate everything that is great, everything that could in principle be distributed throughout the world Why cannot every small town have a shrine devoted to one great piece of art Instead of having every piece collected in a manner impossible for anyone to ever take in at once Is not one masterpiece enough for a room? Or even for a building? Ten great works of art or a hundred in a single room is absurd given that each has a world in and of itself Such mass collection is degrading of the unique singular particularity and worth of what is priceless and irreplaceable It is fear that entices us to imprison art and no wonder Have you reckoned a thousand acres much? Have you reckoned the earth much? Have you practiced so long to read? Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems? Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems You possess the good of the earth and sun, there are millions of suns left You shall no longer take things at second or third hand Nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me You shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself Walt Whitman, Song of Myself It can be overwhelming to open ourselves up to the beauty in the world that we as adults have painted over with simplicity In not doing so however, in not taking a proper walk with a young child for example We lose track of the grandeur and the awe that untrammeled world It can be overwhelming to open ourselves up to the beauty in the world that we as adults have painted over with simplicity In not doing so however, in not taking a proper walk with a young child for example We lose track of the grandeur and the awe that untrammeled world It can be overwhelming to open ourselves up to the beauty in the world that we as adults have painted over with simplicity It can be overwhelming to open ourselves up to the beauty in the world that we as adults have painted over with simplicity That’s from my new book, Beyond Order, 12 More Rules for Life Thanks for your attention Bye bye