https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=yXA5zn5DJXE
One of the things that I want to describe to you is how you determine how upset you should be when something anomalous happens because it’s really hard to figure out right, so because, well, you see this often, especially if you’re unsophisticated in dispute settlement with an intimate partner every little bump in the relationship is the potential dissolution of the entire relationship that’s actually why people get married, you know, just so you know because this is built into marital vows I’m not leaving ever, no matter what it’s like, okay, well that definitely puts a boundary around our arguments, right? because I can’t say, every time you manifest one of your flaws, which you’re likely to do just as often as me well, enough of this it’s like, that’s horrible, man, if your whole life is well, every time you get out of line, I’m out of here it’s like, how the hell are you, first of all, you’re not going to admit to ever doing anything wrong second, you’re going to be on your you’re like a scared cat, the entire relationship, because, well, who knows, it could just come to an end at any moment it’s like, you know, people say, well, if the possibility of divorce is open, it makes you free it’s like, yeah, that’s what you want, you want to be free, eh? really, really so you can’t predict anything, that’s what you’re after it’s a vow, and it says, look I know that you’re trouble me too so, we won’t leave no matter what happens well, that’s a hell of a vow, but that’s why it’s a vow, right? that’s why you take it in front of a bunch of people that’s why it’s supposed to be a sacred act, it’s like, what’s the alternative? what’s the alternative? everything is mutable and changeable at any moment well, go ahead, live your life like that, and see what you’re like when you’re 50 Jesus, it’s dismal two or three divorces, your family’s fragmented, you’ve got no continuity of narrative and it’s not good for the kids, not by any stretch of the imagination and so, it’s a form of voluntary enslavement, I suppose, but it’s also equivalent to the adoption of a responsibility and there’s more to it than that, if you can’t run away, then you can solve your problems because it might be, okay, well, I’m stuck with you so, how about we fix things? because the alternative is, we’re going to be in a boxing match for the next 40 years that’s the alternative so, and you think you’re going to fix problems without something like that hanging over your head? there isn’t a chance, you’ll just avoid them, because that’s what people do it’s really hard to solve problems, especially in a relationship we’re having a fight, and I find out that it’s, you know, because you were abused by your uncle when you were five, or some goddamn thing you know, it’s like, it’s very frequent that that sort of thing happens the partner of your partner is manifesting some weird anomalous behaviour you just can’t make heads or tails of it, it doesn’t seem related to what you’re doing at all they don’t want to talk about it and so, as soon as you bring it up, they get mad and then you bring it up again, they even get madder, and they tell you that you’re not going to talk about that, or they’re going to leave and so, maybe you’re really, really persistent, because you’re kind of a son of a bitch, and then they break down and cry you know, and then they have this horrible memory that comes flooding forward, that’s completely you don’t know what to do with it, and then you have to sort it out it’s like, you think you’re going to do that unless there’s a good reason? you have to know, we better sort this out, or we’re going to be carrying it around for the next forty years that maybe is enough motivation so you’ll actually try hard to solve a problem it’s a lot easier to say, well, sorry, we’re not going there but then, good, you’ll have it every day, every day, every goddamn day, for the rest of your life see, there’s some additional problems with divorce that people don’t really grasp when they’re young like, the idea that you can be divorced once you have children, that’s kind of a stupid idea because you can’t you can, you can, you can find a limited substitute for your initial freedom but, if you have kids and you try to get divorced, the probability that that’s going to demolish your life is very, very high first of all, it’s incredibly expensive so one or both of you is going to come out of that poor and your market value has declined let’s say you’re the woman who takes the kids your market value has declined radically you’re going to be poorer the man, he’s just a scroot because he is now an indentured servant and there’s no escape from it so, and it’s not so bad if you can negotiate a peaceful separation, and some people can, but lots of times if you have a terrible relationship it’s not like negotiating a peaceful separation is all that easy but if you’re at each other’s throats good luck to you I think it’s roughly equivalent to having non-fatal cancer it is not pleasant it’s a 10 year process, 15 year process, it’ll cost you $250,000 and it’ll tear a big chunk out of your life and also it will really disrupt your relationship with your kids and, you know, you bring kids into a step-parent family they do not do as well step-parents are not as good parents as biological parents and the data on that is clear now, obviously there are exceptions because there are terrible biological parents and there are wonderful step-parents but if you look in aggregate it’s not that easy to care for children you need everything you can binding you to them and if they’re someone else’s children mostly they get in the way of the person that you love right? well, let’s say you have a child I’ll be right out let’s say you have a child and I want to go out with you every second you spend with that child is the second you don’t spend with me and there’s going to be a price for that I’m not going to be happy about that and if I have a child, you’re going to feel exactly the same way you might say, well no, I love children it’s like, yeah, yeah, sure sure you do I doubt it you might love your child and you know, it’s pretty specific the way that people love children so, and the rate of abuse for kids in step-parent families is way higher than it is in biological families there’s not even any comparison