https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=_132tB_LTZs
The ice bath idea is an interesting one. I mean, Wim Hof, who’s the world’s master at ice baths, and he’s been plunging himself into cold water for decades and he is so resistant to cold and so in control of his autonomic nervous system that it’s kind of miracle. And so, you know, we actually don’t know the limit here. Like, so here I’ll tell you something on the religious front that’s worth thinking about too in relationship to this discussion. You know, there’s an idea that’s deep in Western culture insofar as Western culture is Christian is that the world is founded on a sacrifice, right? And that’s what the crucifix represents. And European towns were built around a church and the church was built around an altar and the altar was built around the idea of sacrifice. So the sacrifice, the proper sacrifice is at the center of the community. That’s what that idea means. Now you might ask, well, what’s the proper sacrifice? And the answer is something like the voluntary willingness to bury your cross. And then you might say, well, what is your cross? And the answer to that is, well, that’s the catastrophe of your life, right? That’s the fact you’ll be betrayed, the fact that you’re going to die, the fact that you’re going to be in pain, the fact that your loved ones will see you suffer, the fact that the mob will come after you, the fact that criminals might be preferred to you, et cetera. It’s all the potential catastrophes of your life. And then the sacrifice is the idea that you have to, you have to let your, what would you say? You have to let your narrow ego go enough so that you pick all that up voluntarily, all of that. And then that transforms it. And I think that’s literally true. I think that’s what all the psychological evidence points to is that if you adopt a stance of voluntary challenge, even in relationship to tragedy and malevolence, that that’s the pathway to transcendence, like truly. Yeah, it’s interesting. It’s interesting that you say that because my mother, she struggles with borderline personality disorder. And in a lot of the therapy that she’s underwent, they talk about this deep attachment to traumatic events and not only the traumatic events of your own life, but of other people’s lives. And her attachment to that is often from the perspective of being somebody outside of the traumatic event and bearing no responsibility or accountability. Now, whether that’s the illness to blame or your own personal ability to contend with yourself, it truly does change your entire outlook on life. And it can be a very powerful thing to take accountability for actions that maybe had nothing to do with you. With the start of the new year upon us, what better time than now to start building a habit of prayer? Just like physical exercise, daily spiritual exercise is critical to your well-being, especially in a world where attacks on faith and religion are happening all around us every day. Halo, the number one Christian prayer app in the US and the number one Catholic app in the world helps you maintain a daily prayer routine. It’s filled with studies, meditations, and reflections, including the number one Christian podcast, The Bible in a Year. Download the app for free at halo.com slash Jordan. You can set prayer reminders, invite others to pray with you and track your progress along the way. Make this year your year for spiritual growth and peace. Get an exclusive three-month free trial at halo.com slash Jordan. That’s halo.com slash Jordan. Well, okay, so I’ve got a practical example of that that might be helpful with your relationship. So, and maybe not, but maybe it’ll be helpful to someone. So now and then when my wife get into an intractable battle, you know, we’ll both have that proclivity to want to be right. So you want to be right because you don’t want your beliefs to fall apart, and you want to be right because then you don’t have to go through the inconvenience of having to change. So you have to be right. You have to be right. You have to be right because you don’t want to be right because you don’t want to be in the inconvenience of having to change. So you have your reasons for wanting to be right. The problem with that is you might not be right, and plus you have to live with this other person, and so you better sort out your differences. I don’t think that’s compromise, by the way. I think that’s joint union and a higher vision. But one of the things we learn to do, if we could pull ourselves away from the fight, you know, because you think things like, well, you know, some of the time I’m wrong, and I’m gonna make that point, she feels the same way, and so, you know, then we, you know, come to loggerheads. We learn to leave each other and go into our separate rooms and then to meditate for some period of time, and here’s the meditation. It’s like, okay, we’re having this stupid argument. Definitely my wife is wrong this time, for sure. But there’s some possibility that I’ve done something stupid sometime in the recent past, or maybe even in the distant past, that made this argument somewhat more likely, you know? Somewhat, even though she’s mostly wrong. And so, what’s so interesting about that is if you sit and you ask yourself that, it’s like, what did I do imperfectly to increase the probability of this event? You will absolutely get an answer. You’ll get some little fantasy, some memory, some thought about something you did, and then if you go tell the person that, then it takes all that pride out of it. So she’ll say, you know, what she did wrong, and I’ll say what I did wrong, and then we’re both confronting the situation like stupid people who have something to learn instead of like intellectually prideful people who are definitely right, and then we can, well, so far, inevitably, we’ve been able to construct a joint vision out of the argument, you know, that’s better than either of our a priori positions. And that’s also a hallmark of a healthy relationship. It’s not like you meet in the middle or that you compromise. It’s that you bring the conflict together. It’s thesis, antithesis, synthesis, essentially. You bring the conflict together, and you bring your two viewpoints together, and you meld a third viewpoint that’s better than either of the viewpoints you brought to bear on the problem. And you can generally do that and be in, having that humility that enables you to examine what stupid thing you did to muck up the relationship. You can meditate on that pretty much forever, right? What stupid thing did you do to muck things up? That’s an inexhaustible treasure trove of wisdom, that is. Right, and one of the worst and most uncomfortable things that we’ll have to go through in our life, too, is yet another challenge to face in full force and something I will admittedly say I struggle with. Well, you know, here’s something I learned as a therapist. This is also useful to know. It’s not surprising that people shy away from conflict, especially if they’re agreeable and somewhat neurotic, because you don’t want to have conflict with someone if you’re agreeable, and if you’re higher in neuroticism, it makes you pretty upset. So you have your reasons not to want to have the discussion. But here’s the rub, man, and this is something I learned as a therapist. Conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. Like if you have a problem with you or with your partner, then if you don’t sort it out, then you’re gonna have that bloody problem for the rest of your life. And maybe it’ll be a problem that comes up every week, so that’s like 50 times a year, and you’re married for 30 years, so you’re gonna have that problem 1,500 times. 1,500 times. And maybe it’ll take an hour per time. So that’s 1,500 hours. And so that’s 30 work weeks. That’s basically a year of work of your life. That’s like 2% of your life. So then you think, well, should I have a fight? And the answer is, damn right. Right now, man, four hours. Let’s hash this out. Let’s figure out how we’re stupid. And then let’s figure out how we can not do this again. And that we’re both buy into, because you have to both buy into it. It has to be voluntary. But you see, so you have that fear of not being right, and you have the fear maybe of having the fight, and you have the fear of discovering what’s wrong with you, and fine, those are all valid fears. But you need to balance that against the fear of having the same fight 1,500 times. Yeah, that’s not good. Yeah, even worse is just remaining silent and never making that person aware of the problem that you have. I mean, what a disservice to whoever you’re in a relationship with, for them to remain ignorant to something that you are having such trouble with. It’s just a really difficult thing to do, but it must be done. Yeah, well, yeah, it is kind of polite to… One of the things I often hear people say, couples used to say this to each other, because now and then I had couples in my therapy session, I was always concentrating on a particular individual, but sometimes it was useful to have their partner in. People would often say something when they were talking to their partner, well, if you loved me, you’d know what I wanted. It’s like, well, sometimes that’s true, and you’re not just paying attention, but first of all, you don’t even know what you want, so how the hell would you expect someone else to know? And maybe you could be polite enough to let them in on the secret. That’d be kind of nice. Now, you have to make yourself vulnerable, right? Well, here’s the problem with that. If you let me know what you want and need, then I can manipulate you and I can deny that to you, right? See, if I don’t know what you want and need, then if I’m gonna torture you, it’s kind of hit or miss, but if you let me in on the secret, then I know where you’re vulnerable, and I can really misuse that, and so you have to trust someone to let them know what you want and need. You really have to trust them. And then you might say, well, that’s naive to trust like that, but it’s not unless you’re naive. Once you’re past being naive, that sort of trust is courage, not naivety. It’s like, I know you could hurt me. I know it, especially if I tell you this, but I’m gonna do it anyways, because that’s an invitation to the best in you, right? And then maybe we could sort out this problem, and maybe you’ll have the same luxury with me. You’ll be able to tell me something that you need and want. And so that’s the sort of trust you have to have in a relationship in order for it to progress properly. And if you don’t, I mean, what is your relationship? Who is the person dating if they don’t know you, if they don’t know your wants and needs? I mean, so often people reach out to me on the political end of the spectrum and say, I’m so scared to come to my friends and tell them that I agree with some of the things that you say, and I’m sure you run into this a lot. But to that, you just say, well, what friends are they if they don’t know you and they don’t know how you think and feel about certain things? And what are you truly giving people in this relationship, and what are they getting from you in this relationship if they don’t know who you are?