https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=Qv_ZaN20PqE
How do you keep your children from doing things that make you not like them without shouting and fighting all day? Well, there might be a minimum necessary amount of shouting and fighting Well in in my first book I outlined two principles that were derived from political philosophy one from France and one from from the English common law tradition and the French principle was Minimum necessary rules, so it’s predicated on this. It’s kind of a minimal government philosophy The idea being that Bad rules drive out respect for good rules and so you have to have some rules but you know maybe you don’t want to have too many and You can understand that because like how many rules do you want to enforce? You want to spend all your time running around enforcing rules and the answer to that should be no because you have a life and Then you have to figure out what the important rules are And so that’s the first thing and you have to talk that over with your wife or your husband. It’s like well, you know One rule we had in our house was that you didn’t get to be mean to your sibling Now you could be funny You could play you could tease even although you had to keep the teasing on the funny side of Funny and not the mean side and the person you were teasing had a vote on that And so and you know that requires a fair bit of careful Discrimination on the part of the family Discrimination on the part of parents and a willingness also not to you know, maybe you’re annoyed at one of your children and So the other child is teasing that child and that’s meanly and that’s okay with you because you’re irritated at the child Well, it’s like no that never happens. It’s like yes. That’s why you’re laughing it happens all the time So you have to kind of keep a clear head about this and So that was one rule we had which was you don’t get to be gratuitously mean to your sibling and the reason for that rule Was well, we had a bunch of reasons. But one reason is as well. How about they’re your friends when you’re 20 or 40 or 60, you know You got something there with your sibling that you could have your whole life if you don’t screw it up. And so So that was a good rule and so how would we enforce it? Well, that’s That also requires discussion between you and your wife and that’s that’s the other principle is minimal necessary force So you might say well, how much force is it necessary? How much force is it necessary to exert? to enforce a rule and the answer is depends on the kid and That’s that’s an annoying reality, but it’s definitely the case with my daughter For example, most of the time when she was a little kid In the teenage years, but when she was a little kid Pretty much all we had to do was like shake our finger at her and sort of speak in a Non approving manner and she would stop Whereas my son that was like round one dad You know, he was much more determined to get his way More willing to use resistance to get his way and so we had to do Use more invasive Behavioral techniques one of the things we did with him and with her now and then was you know If he was being a pain in the neck at the table We’d put him on the steps. It’s like you sit there How long till you’re civilized? And that’s a really good rule, you know, because well, it should be for three minutes like well Maybe maybe it should be for ten. You don’t know And so our criteria was as soon as you’re willing to Be a desirable human being Really you can get off the steps and we’re done like and that’s another thing that’s so useful about effective disciplinary techniques And so we had to get rid of the steps and we’re done And we’re done with the steps and we’re done with the steps And so we had to get rid of the steps and we’re done with the steps and we’re done with the steps You know very popular days and Things people stopped to do because I can’t imagine that It’s gonna soundpritant. So, you know the goal for me would be very simple First and foremost is smart this is nothing special. Just very simple him there to begin with because if he’s a particularly stubborn child you’re gonna put him on the steps and let go and he’s gonna run off it’s like ha ha ha it’s like no you’re sitting there even if I have to hold you and you want to not be angry about that it’s like he’s too you can take him so you’re gonna sit there until I tell you you can get up and you’re gonna look at me when I talk to you so you know I mean it but as soon as you decide that you’re gonna follow the rules I’m gonna forgive you like instantly and that’s really important with kids you don’t want to hold a grudge and do you really want to hold a grudge like do you really want to have a grudge wouldn’t it be better if it was just over and the thing is is if the kid taps himself into compliance and it’s over well hurray then then you get what you wanted and and you might think well you know who are you to impose your rules on your child and the answer is I’m his parent and you might say well what gives you that right and and the answer is well I took on the responsibility and so there’s rights that go along with that and second like who else is gonna do it so what gives me that right it’s like it isn’t exactly my right it’s my responsibility right it’s not like I want to put my child on the steps to gratify myself unless I’m you know there’s something seriously wrong it’s not pleasurable in and of itself it’s like I don’t want the kid to be a squalling wretched reprobate that everyone hates and so and you know if you remember your your elementary school life and junior high school life you know there were children who were very unpopular and who didn’t know how to behave and how about that isn’t your kid how about that and so that’s who you are to impose those rules and you say well why how do you know they’re those are the right rules and the answer is that’s bloody tricky man and that’s partly why it’s good idea to be married because if the two of you can agree on a rule then there’s some reasonable likelihood that it’s an okay rule you know because what’s the probability that you’re both crazy in exactly the same way so you try you use minimal necessary force and time out is a very effective strategy and with my son in particular it was really interesting to watch him respond to timeout because he did have a temper and he would I’d say all right you steps and he’d say I’m not going to the steps and he said I’m gonna count to ten and you bloody well better be on those steps by the time I hit one and and he’d go I’m not going and I’d go ten and he’d look panicky and he’s run around nine eight don’t count don’t count I hate it when you count usually by by two he was pretty damn close to the stairs and by one sitting there and then you know I can remember this quite vividly he would sit there just just enraged like it was so interesting to watch because kids well when kids have a temper tantrum that’s rage they’re completely undone by anger if you ever saw an adult do that and I saw that my clinical practice by the way you ever saw an adult have a temper tantrum that would scar you for life I mean it it’s something to see man you see two-year-old you think well thank God they’re only this big and soft you know but it was so interesting watching him because when he’d be enraged like that I’d go say to him leave him a minute or so and say are you ready to get off the steps are you ready to have a good day he’d say not yet and you know and then it would take a couple of minutes longer and he would get off the steps and he’d come over and I’d say you ready to have a good day and he’d say I’m ready to have a good day and you know he said it you know if you want an apology from someone let’s say not that I wanted an apology for him I wanted him to behave properly but if you if you want an apology from someone you know you can tell by their voice if it’s real right because they there’s a humility and it’s like okay I’m done you know I’m done yeah I made a mistake I’m stupid I would like to try again I’d like to do better you know and you can tell if it’s genuine you’re very likely to forgive them right and and you you listen carefully for that if there’s any note of falsehood it’s it’s much harder to let the person off the hook but if they’ve really admitted their mistake and are willing to try again then if you’re a reasonable person and you’ve I’m stored up too much resentment then maybe you’ll let them off the hook and it was very easy when he would come over after getting himself together and say that then we just go on our way and it was done and that was lovely because because we had reasonably effective disciplinary strategies worked out we didn’t have to fight all the time although we had to fight now and then we didn’t have to scream and yell and the emotional tension ten tenor of the house wasn’t at a high level consistently it was like there’d be sharp outbursts of trouble that were short and contained and then peace again and the aim was peace it’s like how about some peace wouldn’t that be lovely in your life some actual peace you know which isn’t I’m holding my tongue and my nose simultaneously because of all the things that are going on here that I can’t dare to talk about as God that’s a terrible way to live so so that’s the answer to that question you