https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=VuBATf-hxT0
So I have a friend, he’s a really good friend of mine, and I’ve known him since I was in college, and he’s a tough guy. I mean, he grew up in a under rather poverty stricken circumstances in northern Alberta, really on a frontier piece of land, like it had only been broken 50 years before by his father, who was a longshoreman and an ex-military guy, good guy, his father. But this guy grew up and he is tough. He worked in lead smelters and he wandered around Western Canada. He was my roommate when I went to college and is still a good friend of mine, and he ended up working with like delinquents. He went into social work, oddly enough, and and he ended up working with some of the worst delinquents in Canada. And he’s a really good guy and he likes to help people get better. But he isn’t naive at all. And then part of the reason that he was good at working with the delinquents was because there were no tricks they could get up to that he couldn’t see right through. And that was partly because he had a real integrated shadow. I mean, I’ll give you an example of him. So one day, I was living in this town called Grand Prairie and it was at the height of the oil boom. And so it was a rough town and there were lots of rough bars in it, lots of young men in there with plenty of money and plenty of, they come in for, you know, three days after being out in minus 40 weather, working on the oil rigs, and they were ready to party, man. We had a party one night in this kind of frat house that I went to college in and about way too many people showed up and some of them were real troublemakers. And one, we had a table that was pretty full of beer bottles and vodka bottles and so forth. And one guy just went over and like tore the leg off and knocked the table over. And then a bunch of us got together and chased them all out. And this friend of mine, he said, oh, they’ll be back. And so he went upstairs and he put on some steel toed cowboy boots. It was just like a bloody Western. He kept marching down the stairs. And just as he entered the living room, there was a big knock on the front door. It was these hooligans coming back to cause grief. And he he just didn’t break stride. He opened the door. He pulled open the door. And there was a guy standing there ready to fight. And he kicked him underneath the chin with his steel toed cowboy boot, knocked him right over the the front porch. And, you know, and the battle was on. But that was exactly what he was like, you know. And he had his shadow was integrated. You could he was a great roommate. He he reciprocated everything. I always knew if I bought groceries one week, he’d buy it the next. Like he was a straight shooter. You could trust him. But he was not naive, man. And that made him able to deal with delinquents and to help them. So that’s part of that integration of that shadow. Yeah, I go very deeply into the shadow in a chapter in my last book, The Laws of Human Nature. And I try and talk about how one integrates the shadow, because it’s not it’s not an easy answer for that. You know, people are kind of perplexed. Well, I have this dark side and I explain a lot of where it comes from and how a lot of your aggressive impulses, like the room of two year olds that you were talking about. You have that as well. I’m talking to the people that are my readers. You have that aggressiveness when you were young and it got socialized out of you. And then it kind of got repressed. And it’s like a lost self that lives inside of you and is screaming to come out. How do you integrate it? And so the main thing is you have to be aware that you have this shadow side. You have you can’t run away from it. You have to acknowledge that it exists. You almost have to erase it in a way. A good parent, too, does everything he or she can not to repress that. Like what you want to do with children is you want to think you want them to be forceful, you want them to have some power. You want them to integrate that that capacity for aggression into, let’s say, lucid conversation. You want them to be able to stand up for themselves in family discussions. If you just punish them for being aggressive, let’s say, for talking back or something like that, you don’t guide that into more sophisticated development. You see this in schools, too. Now, you know, when my kids went to school, this was so dumb. We had a rule in our house, which was you don’t have to follow stupid rules. That’s a good rule. But if you get caught, you have to put up with consequences. But so one rule was the school had not only could you not throw snowballs. You couldn’t make them. And so they were trying to. Yeah, exactly. You should shake your head. That’s for sure. It’s like because their answer. And this was all politically correct nonsense. You know, noncompetitive games were only going to play noncompetitive games. It’s like, first of all, you know, I studied PSA. A hockey game is not competitive, exactly, because in a hockey game, well, everybody, no one brings a basketball. Everybody plays hockey. So that’s cooperation. And then on the team, you have to cooperate. And like if you’re the star, but you never pass, you’re just a dumb son of a bitch. You’re not the star. And so there’s tremendous amount of cooperation in all those competitive games. They’re integrated. And this idea that, you know, that children better by not allowing them to be competitive. It’s so it’s it’s disgusting. It is. It’s that one. That’s the Freudian devouring mother. Right. That’s oh, well, everyone’s safe and no one’s ever heard. That’s kind of where a lot of young people are. You know, they enter the world where they’ve been coddled, where they think that there are no winners, that everyone is, you know, it’s just win win situations. And that’s where they get really shocked by the realities of the world. So all this coddling and this idea that there doesn’t have to be a winner, we don’t have to get prizes for first place. Everybody should know you get a prize. Now, all you’re doing is setting your children up for for massive, you know, shocks when they enter the world and they see that it’s not like that. Yeah. And then they get disillusioned and depressed, you know, or traumatized. But I mean, when my my son’s hockey team in his school, they won the city championship, which was a big deal, you know, and the school was pretty happy about that. To his credit, so was the coach. But the principal, who was this authoritarian empath, she was an awful person. I thought. Authoritarian empath. That’s interesting. Yeah. Well, yeah. She used to more virtue as a club owner. It was, yeah, well, there’s plenty of those people around. She said, well, really, today we’re all winners. And the coach had the. Yeah, exactly. No, it is sickening because it’s and you know, my son was just appalled by it. But the coach had enough guts. He said, no, no, the the hockey team won. And it’s not like the kids in the school were jealous. Some of them were, obviously, but most of them were really happy like you are when your sports team wins that, you know, and most people are generous enough so that they’re able to celebrate someone else’s victory without. And that’s the same. I saw this with birthday parties. I just bloody well hated this. It’s like, well, every child gets a gift bag. It’s like, no, you know, they have their damn birthday. Every child doesn’t need a damn gift bag. And this is this same this same naive, trickly and authoritarian too, because it imposes this kind of view of the world. It’s like, no, it’s this kid’s data be special. That’s why we’re celebrating this kid. The rest of them, if they can’t take that, it’s like there’s something wrong with the way that they’ve been treated and attended to. Well, a lot of my books, I try to remove the kind of taboo or the negative associations we have with the word like power or with the word ambition. You know, I try and say ambition is a good thing. It means that you have you believe in yourself. You have some self love and you believe you’re worth something. And you want to go out and achieve and create something worthwhile for other people. So ambition is a positive thing. But so many people are just kind of embarrassed about being a human being, embarrassed about our primate nature, embarrassed about our own aggressive impulse. This is partly why boys are failing in our schools now at a disproportionate rate. You know, the and I see this. There’s an assault of the sort that you’re describing on the better part of striving masculinity. And, you know, I had a friend who killed himself because he identified his ambition with, you know, the patriarchal force that’s devouring the environment, let’s say. And that’s a that’s, you know, the cause of of historical horror. And you might say, well, no one takes that onto themselves to that degree. And that’s well, you can say that, but that you just don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. People take that onto themselves all the time. And then they they start to identify the best part of them that strives forward with the destructive impulses of humanity. And they’re so ashamed because they can’t do anything good then. But in principle, you know, he tried to be as inoffensive and harmless in every possible way as he possibly could. And it just sucked all the life out of it. You end up turning that aggressive energy on yourself is what ends up happening. And that’s maybe leads to suicide, the ultimate kind of self-aggression. I know that I personally have, as I said, I definitely have a shadow side. I’m very aggressive and extremely competitive and I have a lot of anger. So a lot of that those experiences in my youth made me very angry. But the way I kind of integrated my show, I’m not saying this is a model, but the way I integrated it was through my books. So I kind of that anger kind of seeps through the material that I write. And I find I can only write when I have that kind of anger. But I don’t rant. I don’t yell and kind of put people down. I kind of channel it into something productive and something creative. And so I definitely do that when I’m lecturing, you know, and people have commented, you know, some of the people who’ve criticized me that I’m an angry person, and which isn’t true, but it’s definitely that anger, that capacity for anger definitely is something that gives you force. And it can push and anger definitely. So psychophysiologically. So imagine that this is obviously a thought experiment. Imagine you’re chasing a cat with a broom. Well, the cat’s going to run from the broom. But if you corner the cat with the broom, it will attack you, even though it’s just a cat. Well, and the reason for that is that fear will facilitate either freezing or escape. But sometimes fear isn’t the right response and anger will suppress fear. And so one of the tools that we have at our disposal psychologically is anger as an antidote to the terror that would otherwise freeze you.