https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=ojFEZbVkALk
One thing I remember with my son, who is quite disagreeable by temperament, which is actually a good thing as far as I’m concerned, although it brings its own challenges. And so with my daughter, when she was misbehaving, she was pretty agreeable. And, you know, if she was misbehaving, I could basically just look at her, and then she’d quit. You know, but my son, it was like, that was just nothing. You’re looking at me? It’s like, no, that’s just not gonna go anywhere, man. And so then I’d like tell him to stop, and that really wasn’t having much of an effect either. He’d just sort of maybe laugh or run away or whatever. I mean, he was a tough little rat. And, you know, what I would do with him is he would be doing something, and I’d interfere, and he’d get upset and, you know, angry. And so then I’d get him to sit on the steps, and I told him, and this is when he was about two, I said, look, you’re gonna sit on the steps, that’s time out. You’re gonna sit on the steps until you’ve got control of yourself, and you can come back and play the family game again. I basically said, be a civilized human being, and then you’re welcome again. And so he’d sit on the steps. It was so interesting to watch, because he was just enraged. He’d sit there. Like, have you ever seen a two-year-old have a temper tantrum? It’s really quite the bloody phenomena. If you ever saw an adult do that, you’d call 911 right away. It’s like, oh my god! And I’ve seen adults do that, you know, because people say with borderline personality disorder, we’ll have temper tantrums, and it’s like, man, you want to be about 30 feet away from that person, that’s for sure. It’s really… but in kids, it’s like, well, first of all, they’re only this long, so how much trouble can they really cause? But it’s like, you know, they’re just completely gone. They’re like on the floor, their face is red, they’re just furious, like way more furious than you ever get, if you’re even vaguely socialized. They’re just outraged, and they’re kicking and hitting the ground, and like, it’s like a little epileptic fit of anger, you know, they’re completely controlled by their rage, and we took care of one kid for a while who… he was actually a pushover, that kid, you could get him to behave by, you know, kind of shaking your finger at him, but his mother thought he was really tough, because he had her figured out, and one of the things he would do is have a temper tantrum, and during the temper tantrum, he would hold his bloody breath until he turned blue. It’s like, try that! Like, you know, that’s your homework. Go home and have a temper tantrum, and while you’re doing it, hold your breath until you actually turn blue. It’s like, you won’t be able to do it. You don’t have the willpower of a two-year-old, that’s for sure. That little varmint man, he’d just have a fit, then he’d hold his breath, and then he’d turn blue. It was like, wow, that’s amazing! And we would just, like, let him do it. And, you know, he’d turn blue, and everybody would be gone, and he’d come out of it, you know, and it didn’t work. So he just quit doing it. I think he did it, like, twice, and he figured out, oh, well, that’s a lot of work for a very little outcome, and, you know, it’s not like two-year-olds are stupid. They’re not stupid. They’re probably smarter than you, but they’re not civilized by any stretch of the imagination. And so anyways, back to my son, I’d put him on the steps, and he’d be like, aargh! Just, like, enraged, and trying to get himself together, you know, and I’d wait a few, I had a strict rule, which was, as soon as you’re done, you’re welcome again. So it’s completely under your control. You get yourself calmed down, you come and talk to me again, if you’re calm enough so I like you, then you’re welcome back in the family. No grudge, nothing. And so it’s harder than you think. Like, people think they like their kids. It’s like, don’t be thinking that. They’re hard to like, they’re little monsters, and they’re very, very pushy and provocative. And so lots of parents do not like their children, and they do terrible things to them their whole life. So it’s no joke, and it’s very common, and you know, that was Freud’s observation, fundamental observation, that a lot of psychopathology is rooted in the family, and you can be sure of that. You know, and when you hear about some mother who’s done something terrible to her child, which happens reasonably frequently, you know perfectly well that she has a very terrible capacity to discipline, and the child’s just provoked her and provoked her and provoked her and provoked her and provoked her, and it just happens to be a day where her new boyfriend left, and she’s quite hungover, and she got fired, and it’s like, that’s the wrong day to provoke her. And then she does something that is not good. And you read about it, and you think, well how could that happen? How could anyone do that? Well, that’s how they do it. And so, and kids are very provocative, just like little chimps. Chimps will, the adolescents will like throw little pebbles and sticks at the sleeping larger males and bug them. And that teasing, which it is, that teasing turns into full-fledged dominance challenge behavior once the adolescent males get big enough to do it. And so when you’re being provoked by a child, which they provoke you all the time, they’re trying to figure out, well just, where are you exactly? What happens if I do this? What happens if I do this? How else are they going to figure it out? Anyways, he’d sit on the steps and just, he’s just enraged and trying to control himself. And I’d watch that, and then I’d come back after about two minutes or whatever, and he’d still be, urrrrgh, I’d say, well, have you got yourself under control? Are you ready to get off the steps? And he’d go, no, not yet! And then, you know, he’d get himself under control, and then he’d come back, and he’d be contrite, and then I would like him right away, you know, because you’ve got to watch that, you know, because you don’t like being dominated by a two-year-old. No one does. And so if the child hasn’t mastered himself and started to act in accordance with the prevailing social norms, you won’t like them. Well, you think, oh yeah, I will, because, you know, I’m a good person. It’s like, no, you won’t. And no, you’re not a good person. So don’t be thinking about that at all. It’s just not true. So when he was contrite, then he’d come, and then, you know, we’d just go on like nothing had happened, because that’s what you want to do, right? As soon as you get compliance, especially if the compliance is in the best interest of the child, you want to reward it instantly, right? That’s the right thing to do, because so then, and you could just see him gaining control over himself. And so really what was happening is, in his mind, in his brain, we’ll say there was a war between the psyche, the ego, that was starting to become integrated, you know, and starting to become a continuous person, an identity. And it’s fragile in two-year-olds, and it can be disrupted all the time. And it is. That’s why they’re so hyper emotional. It’s fragile, that little ego. And it doesn’t have a lot of power. And so what you want to do is reward it when it wins. You know, it’s when he gets control over the underlying motivations, you want to say, hey, good work, man, good work, kid. You did it. You know, you got yourself under control. Way to be. And the kid’s really happy about that, because it’s actually not that much fun to have a temper tantrum. It’s exhausting. You know, it takes you over. Question? Yeah. Can you give an example of what you would reward him with? Oh, just pat on the head, or, you know, that’s good, or kind word, you know, or whatever. Yeah, notice it. Pay attention. That’s it. That’s it. Pay attention. And that’s a great, it’s a great thing to know with people. Like in your relationships, here’s the key to a good relationship. It’s not the only one, but watch your person carefully, carefully, carefully. And whenever they do something that you would like them to do more of, tell them that that was really good. And mean it. And it’s not manipulative, because if it’s manipulative, it won’t work. It’s like you have to say, wow, I’m so glad you did that. You have to be precise. Here’s what you just did that I thought was great. And oh boy, that’s so nice that you noticed. I can’t believe that you noticed. It’s like, you know, you do that 20 times and the person will be like the rat that’s just pushing the lever for cocaine, you know. So, but no, I’m serious. Skinner established this. B.F. Skinner noticed this a long time ago. Reward is intensely useful in terms of modifying behavior. But the problem is, is that it’s really hard to notice when things are going right, right? Because you’re kind of primed to notice when things are going wrong. And so you use threat and punishment more often as agents of shaping the people that you’re around. Because, you know, when everything’s going right, it’s like, what are you going to say? Everything’s going right. It turns to zero. You just assume it. And that’s not good. That’s not good. You want to pay attention. And if your person, your children, your wife, your whoever, your mother, your sister, if you want them to, if you want to rectify your relationships with them, and I’m not saying to do this in a manipulative way, it won’t work. But if they do something that’s promoting harmony and peace and goodwill, it’s like, attend to it. Tell them that you noticed. It’s like, it’s so useful. And you have to get rid of your grudges and your resentment to do that, right? Because you don’t, you’re kind of mad at your sister. And then, you know, if she does something good, you think, there’s no goddamn way I’m going to reward her for that. So you ignore her when she does something good. It’s like, that’s brilliant. That is. Because then you’ve just punished her for doing what you want. And people do that with their kids all the time, you know, because they let the kids dominate them. Then they get resentful. Then the kid will run up to them to show them something that’s kind of spectacular. And they’ll, they’re not happy. They’ll be like, oh yeah, that’s, you know, I’m working. You know, little kid, all sad about that. And he’s just learned something. So, and it’s not perhaps what you want him to learn. And so you have to keep your relationship with your children pristine. And that means that you can’t hold a grudge or resent them. And that means that you have to help them learn how to behave so that you like them. And that way, if they, if you like them, and you’re kind of sensible, and maybe your partner also likes them, so you know, you’ve got a consensus going there, there’s a reasonable possibility that other people will actually like them too, including other children, and then the world will open up to them.