https://youtubetranscript.com/?v=C_7EHCaSBSk
So the idea that the only pathway to this was through, you know, radical hormonal and physiological transformation is just, it’s preposterous. And then of course there’s the additional complication which would be, well, you were enticed, let’s say, into the idea that you would be better off being a man, but that’s really not a pathway that’s open to you in some fundamental sense either because there are physiological impediments to that that aren’t, that aren’t, they can’t be overcome. I mean, I’ve done a reasonable amount of research into, like, penile construction, for example, and to call that a primitive science is to give it far more credit than it’s due. And so that’s a huge technical problem. And then there’s a problem, of course, that lurks underneath that, which is even if you do manage that, which is highly unlikely and extremely invasive and unbelievably dangerous and very experimental, and there’s no long-term studies whatsoever done on the consequences, you’re still not going to be fully physiologically functional as a man. You’re not going to be able to procreate as a man. And you’re going to sacrifice your ability to have children as a woman. I mean, this is a big bloody sacrifice. And so were you led through contemplation of those sorts of things by your therapists? Not really. They never really went in depth. I mean, they would talk about, like, the… to me, about, like, the… They would talk about, like, the side effects and also basically give propaganda to my parents that this was going to make me better, this was going to improve my distress and make me happier. And I felt the same way. I thought, you know, the things I heard from both the physicians and from the research I did online basically gave me this idea that I was going to become my real self, that I would become a whole person in doing this. And it didn’t… It fractured my sense of self even further. And this is something that… Why did it fracture your sense of self further? What do you mean by that? There’s a lot to that, actually. I mean, I was basically living a lie for a few years. That was very stressful. And I was trying to uphold this idea I had of myself in my head that was false. It was an illusion. I genuinely believe that I was somehow a man, despite not… Despite being a biological female. And in a lot of ways, I missed out on a lot of… On certain developments, mostly social. I’m still… You know, I didn’t really go through the crucial social female socialization that goes on throughout late middle school and high school. I… I didn’t really go through that. I was mostly attracted to men. I didn’t really have much of an interest in women. But most of the people who were interested in me in high school were women. And the few men who… The few guys who… Admitted attraction to me. It was very… It seemed very… Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. Sexual. In nature. And it felt like, if anything, I was just… Like a fetish to them, almost. And I didn’t really… I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to have anything to do with that. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that sounds extremely complicated. And there was. There is also another… Another element to it. But I haven’t really spoken on it before. But I feel like it does have to be… It does need to be said. It is kind of uncomfortable because I was… Just because of my age at the time. And it’s also a very sensitive topic. But I think I did also have some sexual motivations in doing this. I like the idea of… Like the changes that testosterone would bring on to my body. And, you know, I guess… I mean, people… A lot of feminists and activists who… Speak against… Speak about, like, transgender people and detransitioners. They often talk about AGP or autogynephilia, which is like a… I don’t know if you’re familiar with… Yeah. Yeah. It’s like a… Yeah. Like a man… So autogynephilia is the fantasy. It’s a sexual fantasy generally. And then it often characterizes men who become transsexual and start cross-dressing later in life. And they develop a sexual… They develop sexual arousal from picturing themselves or acting out being the opposite sex. And so I think some of that, by the way… You know, you talked about the fact that you wanted to have some of the classic male attributes, masculine attributes, right? Like self-confidence and courage and so forth. And that you were complimented when you were referred to in that manner. I think a lot of what happens to these men who develop these sexual fetishes later in life is that there is a part of them that’s crying out for exploration of and development of their feminine side. Right? But instead of having that happen psychologically and starting to integrate, let’s say, compassion and care and concern for people rather than things, instead of integrating those cross-sexual proclivities, they start to act it out as if it’s a concrete reality. Right? And you were definitely enticed into doing that. But you also said… And, you know, don’t let me delve into this more than you’re comfortable with, but you also said that there was a sexual… The sexual element specifically. So was there something in your fantasies about… What was that? Was that about you being a boy? You said you were still attracted to women. So what… We brought this up. We might as well clarify it. What was the nature of the interaction with sexuality? It’s obviously relevant. It was fantasies about being a man, about being male and having masculine attributes to my body. And also, a lot of it did involve having a female partner, which I never really explored in real life because I didn’t have any emotional attraction to women. I didn’t want to have a relationship with another woman, so I never really cared to actually act it out. But, you know, I guess you could say that I did have a female analogue of autogynephilia. If there’s a word for it, I guess it would be auto-angrophilia. But I didn’t really understand this at the time because I was so young. Yeah, well, look, I mean, in adolescence, the range of sexual fantasy can be extremely broad. You know, and there is a difference between fantasy and real life. I mean, people will fantasize about things that they won’t do in their real life. And the fact of the fantasies, it can become pathological if people dwell on it, but the fact that the fantasy covers a wider range than behaviour would is actually more an indication of the creative capacity of fantasy. Right? I mean, we’ll do things in our dreams, for example, or play out scenarios in our dreams that would never occur in real life. And it’s because part of the human capacity for ingenuity is the capacity to imagine multiple different scenarios. And some of those can be extreme. Like, I’ll find, for example, that if I’m angry with something, I can have quite violent fantasies. And I think, oh, my God, where did that come from? But that doesn’t mean that I would act them out, or at least I hope it means that I wouldn’t act them out. So our fantasy life is broader than our actual life. And you border the acting out of your fantasies by, well, by social necessity in some sense. So the mere fact that you were having those fantasies, that’s not an indication of anything that’s in and of itself pathological. That’s still well within the realm of normative adolescent sexual fantasy, I would say. You know, maybe it was a little more exaggerated in your case because of the testosterone, and maybe even to some degree because of your more masculine temperament, but it’s still well within the range of normality.